


Breaking Inside

by SassyFanGirl



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Anorexia, Depression, Hurt Merlin, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Harm, Triggers, ana - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-16
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-05-27 00:35:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 32,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6262315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SassyFanGirl/pseuds/SassyFanGirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Merlin slowly starts to break down, he is able to keep it hidden easily. But, how long before people start noticing? Would it matter?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Leaving Pieces of me Behind

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own any part of Merlin. The title and chapters were inspired by Shinedown's Breaking Inside. I do not own that either=/
> 
> On a side note, this is my first ever fanfiction, so please any and all feedback is very much welcome!

Merlin lays in his small bed. Resting one arm across his eyes, he blinks into the morning light. Great, I'm late once again. Arthur would soon give up on him. Find a servant worth something. Slowly, Merlin rolled onto his stomach. Stifling a small groan, his body ached all over. Soreness from riding horses all day long, sore from sleeping in the dirt, sore from his never ending chores, sore from... well everything. How long had it been since he would great the morning and stiffness with a smile? How much time had passed to allow him to become so ambivalent about his existence? 

His stomach made a small noise. Why should Merlin listen to that? The last thing someone as worthless as he deserved was food. Why should he give himself something as nice as food? Even the thought made him nauseous. When did he start denying himself the means for survival? Since when did he allow malicious thoughts into his mind that poisoned his body? How had he let himself drift so far from what he used to be? 

"Merlin!" Gaius yelled. Shaking Merlin out of his pondering session. He's always yelling these days. What had Merlin done to get Gaius so upset with him? Merlin knew he deserved it. He had gotten sloppy… Or was Gaius just sick of trying to pretend to be okay with having Merlin around? He would definitely benefit from Merlin's absence. "Merlin!" now he'd done it. Quickly, ignoring the screams of his body, he got dressed for the day. He didn’t care to look for something specific. Simply grabbed the first shirt he could find. Threw on the pants that were still in a pile on the floor, and tied his scarf around his neck. Dashing out of his room, he put on his best Merlin mask and smiled at Gaius.

"Sorry! Runnin' late, no time for breakfast!" Merlin said over his shoulder as he sloppily ran out the door, straightening his outfit so that Gaius wouldn’t stop him. Gaius was left with a pot in one hand and a spoon in the other. He rolled his eye, and started cleaning up. When did Merlin start waking up so late? Maybe when he started coming in so late. Gaius couldn’t remember the last meal they had shared. Truth be told he missed those special meals. Gaius gave up his pondering and started his long day of making potions and drafts for the different people he tended to every day. 

The second Merlin rounded the corner he slowed his pace. Guilt wrapped around his thoughts like a snake its prey. He felt horrible lying to Gaius, he did after all accept him as his ward after his mother decided she couldn’t handle him. Gaius didn’t deserved to lied to. But Merlin couldn’t pretend to be okay for very long. It’s better this way. It is better that Gaius thinks he is too mindless or carefree rather than reveal what is really going on inside his head. Merlin began his long walk to the other side of the Castle. Trying to ignore the burning feeling in his arm. He knew he shouldn’t scratch at it, but he did anyways. He was constantly scratching at his arm. Just a nervous tick he had. Nothing more. When was he going to start believing his own lies? 

Merlin took a deep breath as he arrived at Arthur’s door. He looked at the knobs as if he’d never seen them before. How many time had Merlin never paid attention to such things? Simply pushed open the door cheerfully, he used to just walk right through. But now, such insignificant things gain his attention. How long had he been standing there? Locked in a trance, staring at a door knob. Shaking his head slightly, he took a deep breath in and opened the door.

"Rise and shine, sire!" Merlin yelled cheerfully as he pushed open the curtains in Arthur's chambers. He quickly placed the food down on the table that he brought up for Arthur. 

"Are you not capable of finding something else to say?" Arthur mumbled sleepily, rolling over, squinting into the unforgiving light. Merlin scrunched his brows together. What had he done this time? He thought he had sounded pleasant. Quickly thinking of something else to say Merlin’s pulse began to quicken.

"Would you prefer-"

"Merlin," Arthur interrupted before Merlin got to go through his list of replacements. Merlin closed his mouth with a look a shame. He'd annoyed him, yet again. "Get. Out. Or I'll have you for breakfast!" Arthur yelled.

Merlin walked sideways through the room to the door, thinking of something to say that would brighten the mood. "Well, I can see that you are still in need of your beauty sleep." At this Arthur lifted himself up looking for something to throw. Grabbing his chalice he threw it at Merlin.

Merlin knew it was coming, of course he did. But he refused to duck, pretending to just be slow, as always. So, bracing himself slightly for the blow, it crashed against his head with a clang. Pushed against the wall with the force of the throw, Merlin laughed it off and gave Arthur his best Merlin mask. "Well, I can see you aim is still mastered even when you are asleep." Holding his jaw, Merlin pushed open the doors and hopped out of the room. Closing the doors, Merlin leaned against them for just a second. Took a few deep breaths, but to no avail. His pulse was quickly raising. He started to get lightheaded as he pushed off the doors and started walking a familiar path. 

He kept walking until he found himself in a forgotten part of the castle. A stairwell that no one used anymore. Merlin found it his first week in Camelot. Now he revisits as a place to get away. He goes half way up and sits on the fourth stair, a habit of his. It's always the fourth step. He allows himself these small habits now and then. 

Merlin ran his fingers through his hair. Trying to force his lungs to hold more air. He took deep breaths to try to calm his nerves. When did he get to antsy? Merlin winced his eyes shut at the pain in his head which was getting worse than the pain in his body. Most of which is sure to be because of the blow Arthur just dealt him. Then again, he knew that wasn't the only reason. It seems like his head was always hurting. He gave up trying to find a remedy for it a long time ago. Merlin dropped his hands to his lap feeling completely defeated. Merlin's shoulders fell. He looked around at the familiar stone. Breathing fast, he tried to hurry his shaking fingers. Finally, he found the one that could be removed easily. Merlin gave a sigh of relief. 

Removing the stone from its hiding place, Merlin reached in to find the one things that calms him whenever he's upset. Simply wrapping his fingers around it brings his heart rate down. As he pull it into view, he relishes in its veiled beauty. The severe point of the dagger shined in the sunlight. His eye shown gold as he let go of the blade and it floated in the air. Held by invisible forces. He stared at the blade as he scratched his arm. 

Merlin slowly removed his worn brown jacket. Curled up his dirty sleeves, and stared down at his marks. His lowest moments were all there. Out in the open. All were scars. Most were small and flat. Whitened over time from lack of exposure. Others still came up to a pink peak. Moments that were so long ago, the memories still blazed in his mind like they were formed last night. These were formed, what feels like, lifetimes ago. His teenage years were not the nicest to him. If it weren’t for his friend, he’s not sure he would have made it through. He always kept the blade though. As proof that he could always get lower. A reminder of how far he’d come. 

But now, all he felt was defeat. His teenage years were almost laughable compared to what he was going through now. And the burning in his arm. He scratched and scratched, but could never calm the itch. All he wanted was relief. Cocking his head to the side, he spun the blade in the air, studying its markings and designs. The silver shined in streaks every time the sunlight hit it just right. His eyes glazed at the thought of allowing himself just one more scar to the collection. It had been so ling since he experienced it. Once again his heartrate quickened, but not in fear or anxiety this time. In excitement. Since when was he ready to see himself bleed? 

Merlin squeezed his eyes shut, tears threatening to spill out of the blue pool of his eyes. While the blade still spun slowly, Merlin’s internal battle continued. Merlin ran his hands through his hair, grabbing on to the locks and pulling. The pressure helped. Why is he doing this to himself? Who would care anyway? What’s one more scar added to all the others? IT would stop the burning and inching in his arm. He knew it would. He never used to question it, until his friend convinced him to stop. But he’s gone now. So that promise is irrelevant. Merlin pulled his hair and squeezed his eyes shut. His head felt like it was going to explode. 

Tears were now freely pouring down his face. Slipping sideways, he moved his hand to prevent himself from falling over while his other hand flew to his chest. His heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. Everything hurt. He allowed himself one loud scream of anger, fear, and sadness. Everything stopped. Merlin, breathing heavy, sat up. The only thing that seemed to move in all the kingdom was the blade. Still spinning slightly. Merlin looked at it with bewildered curiosity. What else can I do?

Leaning back, he pushed his sleeve up once more, exposing the scared flesh. His eyes barely opened, hey felt so heavy. He had made up his mind, the battle was over.


	2. Shadow of Mistakes I've Made

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin felt wonderful... for about ten minutes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't sure of where to go with this. I hope you all enjoy! Please, please let me know what you think!

Bliss. Absolute delight. That is what Merlin was feeling. Then why does his stomach feel like it is turning inside out? Merlin walked back towards Arthur’s room. Surely he’d be ready for today’s activities by now. How long had he been gone anyway? And when did his head stop hurting? Merlin was done asking questions. He was beyond pleased that he could function today without the burning in his arm, or the constant unrelenting pain in his head. Today was going to be a good day. Why did he feel worried?

When he got to Arthur’s door he hesitated for only a second before pushing open the door, grinning wide. “Good to see you up and about, sire.” 

Arthur responded by simply lifting his eyes toward Merlin and cocking an eyebrow. Looking back at his paperwork he said, “So I’m thinking about a hunt today.” Merlin caught his breath. He hated hunting. “After all, you seem to enjoy it so much, Merlin.” Merlin knew that Arthur was just trying to get under his skin, but he was in a good mood. So he didn’t let that happen. 

Giving a curt nod, Merlin pivoted and turned his back to Arthur. Moving toward his dresser, he started pulling out the necessary clothes for an outdoor event. “Only because we always see to go after such small conquests. Deer… Rabbits… Really Arthur, how many must you catch before you just get bored? Where’s the challenge?” Merlin knew that this would push his buttons. So he kept his back turned, hiding his smirk. Arthur decided the best comeback to Merlin’s quips, was no comeback at all. He raised his head slightly and just stared at him with a slight arrogance hidden in his look, crossing his arms in front of him. He only had to watch him a short while before he realized that Merlin was doing everything with just one hand. His arrogant look turned into one of intrigue. 

When did Merlin start doing that? Had he always done that? He’s sure that he’s seen him use his left arm before, so why isn’t he using it now? His mind searched through recent memories of their outings. There was that fight in the woods, but Merlin just laid in the dirt hiding. Arthur couldn’t come up with a single reason why Merlin would have hurt his arm recently. In fact, earlier this morning Arthur could have sworn he saw Merlin scratching at the arm in question. Come to think about it. He’s seen Merlin scratch at that arm a lot. Maybe it was just a rash or something. Goodness knows he is constantly in the woods fetching herbs for Gaius. That must be it. 

After enough time had passed, Merlin grew anxious waiting for a comeback, He turned his head with a smile to see what Arthur was doing. To Merlin’s surprise, Arthur was just staring at him. Panic flooded his mind. Why was Arthur looking at him like he had never met him before? Arthur was vaguely aware that Merlin had turned to look at him. He lifted his gaze and continued to just stare at Merlin, trying to erase the look of confusion from his face. Subconsciously, Merlin pulled his sleeves longer and glanced down at his feet. Arthur furrowed his brows. Why did Merlin become so fidgety just now? Does staring always do this to him? Arthur refused to back down now, there’s been too much time filled with awkward staring. He decided this might be his new favorite way to annoy Merlin. 

Merlin’s mind was racing. What could he do, or say to make Arthur say something? Should he lighten the mood or should he address the fact that Arthur was just blatantly staring at him. He raised his eye brows and let a small scoff exit his breath, “Well, when you’re done staring at such a magnificent example of a servant,” Merlin started, gesturing to himself. “I’ve got your outfit ready for the day.”

Rolling his eyes, Arthur stood up, walked towards the clothes that were laid out. “I’m not entirely sure you have.” He stated. Putting his hands on his hips, and started to stare once more at Merlin.

Merlin was at a loss, he was sure to get everything Arthur could need. “I’m not sure what you’re referring to, everything you need to go hunting is right here.” Merlin got a little panicked. What had he forgotten? What will Arthur do if he can’t figure it out? How does he fix it? Merlin was ripped from his thoughts at the sound of Arthur’s laughter. 

“Oh you should have seen your face!” Arthur continued to laugh while Merlin slumped his shoulders looking beaten. How could he let Arthur get to him like that? Arthur grabbed the clothes and walked behind the curtain to change. “You know Merlin, if you were to be good at anything, I can at least count on you to make me laugh.” 

Smiling to himself, he allowed himself the pleasure of thinking he did something right. But that didn’t stop the pain in his gut to resurface. Guilt. He knew this feeling more than anything. He felt guilty. But why? He had done nothing wrong. He made his inner turmoil go away, he made his headache go away, and he’s no longer scratching at his arm! Merlin’s mind seemed to think everything was fine, but then why was his body denying that thought? Merlin shook away the thoughts as Arthur walked around to meet him.

Arthur looked at Merlin with slight confusion. “Well?” Merlin looked befuddled, “Are you going to ready the horses?”

“Right!” Merlin sighed in relief, “of course, I’ll go do that now.” Merlin quickly turned and practically ran towards the door until Arthur’s voice cut in. 

“Oh and Merlin, do try to get everything correct this time.” Arthur said with an air of conceit. If there was anything that could fill Arthur’s time, it was picking on Merlin. This was going to be a good day, Arthur could tell. As he started to pull on his gloves he walked towards his window. He stood in the light for a good while. Overlooking miles of land, villages, and hills, Arthur felt the weight of all that he had to live up to. Taking a deep breath, Arthur shook the thoughts from his mind. He was looking forward to getting some fresh air. 

As Merlin started getting the horses ready, he couldn’t stop thinking. He didn’t understand anything. So he might have reverted. For one night though. It was just a small mistake, not to happen again. He just needed a moment of relief from everything. But now all he felt was guilt. He betrayed a promise to a friend, he lost the battle with himself, and he had yet another secret to hide. Scars were easier, if they ever happened to be discovered. He could spin it so it was a story of victory over something hideous. But now? Now with a wound that is clear and apparent that he did it recently. How could he possibly explain that? He hated himself even more. How could he just through away such progress just so he could feel better. 

Unknown to Merlin, Arthur was walking up behind him. He noted how Merlin was still favoring his right hand. But there was something else in there. Although Merlin’s back was to him, he could tell that something was wrong. He continued to watch his manservant work. Trying to pick his brain without actually talking to him. 

Merlin had continued readying the horses while his mind wondered. He allowed his hands to work on auto pilot. Tears were threatening to spill over. He tried buckling the horse’s belt, but his hands were trembling too much. Be began to get frustrated. Trying harder and harder, but not being able to pull the strap through. Suddenly, there was a hand over his, stopping his work. “Merlin,” a familiar voice appeared.


	3. No One Knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin can't believe how easily he can hide things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support and acceptance! I've been working very hard on this chapter and I think I finally got to an acceptable point.

“Merlin,” Arthur repeated. Merlin was at a loss, he didn’t know what he could say that would explain his behavior. “Is everything alright?” Merlin’s eyes were frantic trying to come up with something. Subconsciously, he moved his hand over his injured arm, protecting it. Arthur watched his movements closely. That must be it, Arthur decided, his rash must be infected and now he is in pain. 

“Look, Merlin, if your arm hurts that badly you should have Gaius look at it. Maybe he could at least put a numbing agent on it.” Arthur said this in half sincerity, half annoyance. Really, could Merlin not figure that out on his own? It’s one thing to ignore something, it’s another to completely ignore it. 

Merlin was astounded. How could he know about his arm? What was he talking about? “What are you talking about?” He asked Arthur, not able to look up and meet his eyes. 

“You’ve been scratching that arm for weeks now. Clearly you’ve a rash and your scratching has gotten it infected. The pain is disrupting your work and I won’t stand for it.” Arthur said indignantly. At this Merlin looked up at Arthur with confusion. Then, relief that Arthur hadn’t an idea of the true cause of Merlin’s outburst. 

Looking down, Merlin let a small chuckle escape his breath. If only Arthur knew the true meaning of his last statement. An infection. How perfect. “Yeah,” he made a goofy grin, “I guess I should shouldn’t I?” Once again, Merlin put on his Merlin mask, “But, if I did that, how could you possible find things to complain about me?” Arthur helped Merlin up and slapped him on the back. Smiling he started to get onto his horse. Merlin smiled to himself pleased that Arthur had no idea. He started to climb on the horse… only to be falling of it again.

“You are completely useless, aren’t you Merlin.” Arthur couldn’t believe that Merlin had still managed to screw something up. Turning back around on his horse, he looked to see what Merlin had done this time. Finding the strap still undone he rolled his eyes. “You know it helps if you complete strapping the saddle onto the horse.” Making the motions with his hands. 

Merlin glanced up to Arthur on his horse, squinting into the sunlight. “Just thought you might want some cheering up, sire.” Merlin attempted to sound sarcastic. Hopping back up, he quickly placed the saddle on the horse. Looping the strap around and completed what he hadn’t last time. Looking back up at Arthur proudly, “There, happy now?” Hopping on to the horse quickly, Merlin gave a goofy grin to Arthur.

“I would have been happier with a competent servant. But nonetheless, let’s go.” Arthur said with a whisper of humor. Off they went into the forest. Merlin happy, Arthur annoyed. Perfect. 

Merlin and Arthur had been out for almost four hours now. Nothing eventful had occurred. This made Arthur very upset. He had been longing for a way to get rid of some of his pent up anger and frustration. Yet, here they were sitting in the woods with absolutely nothing to hunt. Merlin on the other hand was just bored. He hated being out in the woods, but he hated the idea of hunting even more. Every time that a doe or rabbit came into ear shot, he would turn his head away from Arthur allowing his eyes to turn gold in privacy, making the animal freeze in its track, and turn the other way. The only thing keeping him occupied was watching the crown prince throw miniature temper tantrums at not having anything to kill. 

Arthur looked over to Merlin and found him smiling, “You think this is funny do you, Merlin?” Arthur asked on the edge of fury. 

“I think that even the animals know what a complete clop pole you are.” Merlin was flirting with the danger in Arthur’s eyes. 

“Fine.” Arthur said, turning his horse back towards Camelot. “Maybe we should try target practice.” He said without looking back. Merlin slightly rolled his eyes and started to follow. “Oh and Merlin,” Arthur slowed and turned his horse towards him, “you will be the target.” Arthur stated low and without emotion. Turning back, he made fast time to Camelot. Merlin tried keeping up, but found that he stayed too far behind. 

Finally, they both arrived in Camelot. Arthur hopped of his horse in a huff, and tossed the reigns off to a guard. Merlin practically fell off his horse, panting. “Feel better?” He asked Arthur. 

Arthur didn’t turn to look at Merlin, “Merlin, why don’t you go do something useful and muck out my stables while I get the knights together.” Walking off towards the castle, Merlin was left by the stables. Looking around quickly, making sure there was no one within eye shot, Merlin looked around the stable, allowed his eyes to glow in a defeated moment, and cleaned the place perfectly. This would give him about an hour. Merlin’s eyes flickered everywhere, looking out for knights, Gaius, and most importantly, Arthur. He started towards the forgotten stairwell. 

How could Arthur be so relentless? Was it really his fault that Arthur couldn’t hold his temper? Why couldn’t he just be good enough for Arthur, for once? When will Arthur know about everything he’s done? When will Arthur accept him? Merlin was distracted by his thoughts that he didn’t catch Gaius walking towards him until he practically ran into him. “Gaius! I’m so sorry.” Merlin exclaimed, he had no idea what to tell him. 

“Merlin? What are you doing here, Arthur just informed me that you were out in the stables.” Gaius noticed the fidgeting hands of his ward and the dashing of the eyes. 

“Right, I was,” Merlin started, trying to think up something, “I just needed to check with Arthur about something.” Merlin said, curling his lips together in a smile. 

Gaius’ eyebrow seemed to go into his hair line, “Is that so?”

Merlin kept smiling like a goon, “Why, y-yes it is.” Starting to walk around him, “So if you don’t mind, I’m going to start heading that way.” He said over his shoulders and a look of relief washed over him that he got to bypass Gaius. 

“Arthur told me about your arm.” Merlin stopped dead in his tracks. Eyes wide, terror creeped up his body causing Merlin to shiver slightly. He didn’t dare turn around to meet Gaius’ condemnatory eyes. “Really Merlin, you of all people should know the difference between a poisonous plant and a harmless one.” At this, disbelief drowned Merlin’s emotions. Turning, he looked at Gaius. “Even then, you should know the healing powers of a simple mixture of a few plants to heal up a rash in a matter of hours.” Gaius shrugged his shoulders, “Sometimes I wonder if you don’t enjoy getting yourself hurt.” Turning on his heel, Gaius walked away from Merlin.

Merlin was astonished that even Gaius hadn’t found out, or forced him to life his sleeve to show the extent of his ‘rash’. Then, Merlin felt reenergized. He wasn’t trying too hard to hide this small relapse of his, but everyone was so fooled by his demeanor, that it seemed it could continue. Smiling to himself, Merlin turned back towards the path he was taking, the one leading to the stairwell of relief. When he got there, he hesitated only slightly. 

It’s just once more. He had been so antsy, he needed something to take the edge off. Something that would allow his mind to stop running in circles. Going up to the fourth step, he closed his eyes. Allowing magic to flow through him and bring out his supplies. Opening his eyes, he was face to face with the blade he so adored. Tilting his head, he studied it. How could something so beautiful be so harmful? How could he let himself get to this point, again? “You know you’re better than this…” In his head, the words of his friend echoed, “Merlin, promise. Promise me that you will stop this nonsense.” 

Merlin’s eyes closed and tears dripped out of the crease. “But I’m not better, I’ve never been better.” Merlin whispered to the air. “I just got good at pretending to be.” Merlin opened his eyes and looked at the blade. “I know that I deserve this, I’ve always deserved it... You wouldn’t understand.” His breathing started to get heavy. Anticipation, dread, and terror coursed through his body. 

“Promise me.” The invisible voice echoed. 

“NO!” Merlin yelled, standing up. What’s the point? You aren’t even here. And that’s because of me. Merlin started to pace, chewing on his nails. No one knows anyway. Probably because no one truly cares. Merlin thought back to all the times when his secret was almost exposed, and if someone really thought about it they could figure it out. He must be really good at pretending. Merlin contemplated what he was doing.

He was so sick of pretending to be okay. He needed an outlet. He can handle it. He won’t let it get out of control. He looked longingly at the blade. The relief that it represented. Lowering himself back onto the step, Merlin allowed himself to let go. Let go of all the pain that he’s been holding onto. Running his fingers through his hair, Merlin squeezed his eyes shut. Slowly he opened his eyes, feeling completely defeated. He looked at the blade. With dead eyes, Merlin moved his gaze over to his arm. Slowly he started to roll up his sleeve. 

I’m tired of fighting. Tired of being strong. Exposing his arm, Merlin gazed over the new wounds, Merlin allowed himself to snicker. Another thing he has to keep a secret. He’s good at that. Merlin closed his eyes, feeling relieved. He was looking forward to this. Allowing his eyes to turn gold, the knife flew through the air and Merlin stifled a gasp of anticipation. He was looking forward to this.


	4. You Know There Ain't No Coming Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens in the privacy of the staircase?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This chapter has major triggers for those who need that warning. Please do not read if SH/SI depictions are triggering to you. 
> 
> As always, thank you for your support, and please let me know what you think. I'm working very hard to make sure that this is a decent fic. I'd love to get some input.

It had been months since Merlin had rehashed his obsession. He stopped pretending to be okay. But luckily he was really good at playing his part. The goofy, uncoordinated, happy Merlin. No one would be the wiser. Too often had Merlin saved Arthur’s royal behind without even trying. Barely even trying to hide his face when his eyes glowed. He no longer cared if they found out about his magic. Burning, Merlin thought about it. That’s a new form of pain he’d never even thought about trying. One day… Maybe. 

Merlin was sitting on his step once again. Today had been a long one. Arthur insisted on going on a patrol. Every time they went on patrol, something bad happened. This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Merlin just didn’t feel like wasting any energy on protecting Arthur. Realistically, how long would Arthur survive without Merlin? After saving Arthur, again, the group decided to head back to Camelot. That’s when the group started picking on Merlin.

Merlin was used to those kinds of things, but he just wasn’t in the mood today. He didn’t feel like smiling and laughing along as if he didn’t believe what they said. Between Arthur calling him worthless, and Gwaine calling him clumsy, Merlin just added their words to his memory. Useful words to aid in his extra time in his stairwell. How many times had he come here now? Once a week turned into once a day, sometimes twice. Nothing seemed to matter to him anymore. All he thought about was the next time he’d get to go back. His days were filled with skipping out on Gaius, pretending to be an incompetent servant to a prat, and filling his body with scars. 

There had been instants, admittedly, when Merlin had considered asking for help. Sometimes, the weight of what he’s been doing would feel unbearable. Then, reality would come back into focus. And Merlin would remember that he isn’t worth it. Being saved. Why would Arthur waste his time on him? He’s probably laugh at him. Everyone seemed to enjoy laughing at him. Often, Merlin would get dizzy by all the voices in his mind that wouldn’t be quiet. 

Merlin wasn’t shocked. He was used to being treated like filth. It was becoming easy to treat himself the same way. From visiting knights to Uthur. All of them continue to treat Merlin like he is worth less than dirt at the bottom of a well. He was sick of allowing them to hurt him. It wasn’t fair. How can these people hurt him so much? He didn’t mind the punches, or the sneers behind his back. What he minded were words. He can ignore pain, in fact he embraces it. Words, however, he couldn’t shake from his mind. They would repeat over and over again in his mind. They’d keep him awake at night. Forcing him to stay awake. Nowadays, Merlin gave up the pretense of expecting to sleep. Simply tolerating the voices to keep him up as he lays in bed, eyes wide open. 

He didn’t feel angry, or sad. He didn’t feel anything. He felt numb. Nothing mattered anymore. Gaius had given up on Merlin now. It had been five months since Gaius had been able to share a meal with Merlin. He no longer tried to wake him in the mornings. No longer did he expect to see him for dinner. Gaius simply left a meal out over light heat for Merlin to have when he arrived home. Merlin would see it, of course. For the first few weeks he’d nibble on the food. Lately, the thought of eating the food made him nauseous. Merlin would use his magic to get rid of the food and then clean up the dishes, making sure that they looked like they were eaten out of. Leaving Gaius completely in the dark. He’d have no idea just how often Merlin skipped out on meals. Merlin was able to hide the weight loss easily. His baggy clothing always hid his bones anyway, so now he just had to make sure that they were never removed from his person. 

Who would want to remove his clothing anyway? Someone as despicable as himself didn’t have admirers. Even if he had, the moment they got to know him they would realize just how disgusting he was. Just look at Arthur. “There’s something about you Merlin…” Merlin had so much hope at that moment. But the closer Merlin let himself get, the more Arthur put him in his place. Put him down. But could Merlin put Arthur in his place? No. He had to pretend to be the goofy sidekick to a turnip head. He smirked slightly at his ability to simply put on a mask. He’d smile, pretend to be okay, and every one would believe him. Why wouldn’t they? After all he was the fun loving Merlin that they all came to know, right? Who could ever expect that he would come down to this? A shadow of the man he used to be. Someone who starved himself because he didn’t deserve to eat. Even if he told someone, they wouldn’t believe him. He’s too good at acting his part. Merlin was done. 

Merlin started his routine. Slowly he started to roll up his sleeves, exposing the scared flesh. He dragged his fingers across the scabs. Some were very close to being healed, others he had to sew up himself for fear of infection. After reminiscing, Merlin started looking for a fresh piece of skin to decorate. Though, not finding a blank space, he opted to take off the entire tunic. This uncovered a whole new set of secrets. Across his chest there were more scars. Most were very faded. Not as many as his arm, just a few sets of three here and there. Always three. Another habit of his. Not only were there scars, though. There were bones. Of course, everyone has bones. But Merlin’s, his were more exposed than others. His collar bones appeared to be jutting out more so than ever. Like a cliff barely hanging on. 

Running his fingers down his torso, Merlin could feel every single rib. On either side of his body were lines and rows of scars. How many years has it been since he’d open himself there? The scars were beginning to fade. He despised the thought. He hated seeing his scars disappearing. They begged to be reopened. Merlin had stopped contemplating whether or not his little habit should be stopped. He needed it. He stayed true to his routine. Always three. Sometimes those three are longer, or deeper. But it is always three.

Finally deciding on a location Merlin looked at the floating blade. His eyes glowed and the blade began its work. Gasping, Merlin rolled his head back. It was a whole new type of pain. The skin on his sides were more sensitive than that of his arm. He looked down at the long gash. Blood was already dripping down his side. One down, two to go. Merlin had never felt anything quite like this. He felt amazing. It’s funny, you’d think that he’d feel scared or shameful. That wasn’t the case. He felt remarkable. As the blade came down on Merlin’s side for the second time, his eyes flew open. His eyes were more dilated than normal. His breath elevated, and Merlin could feel his arousal. He looked once more at the blood creeping down his side. Then he looked over to his hardening member. He was disgusted with himself. He shouldn’t be enjoying it this much, but he needed it. Merlin rolled his head back again and closed his eyes. He took a deep breath in anticipation of the third strike on himself. Merlin grimaced and clenched his teeth. A small grunt escaped his lips. That was the deepest one yet. Merlin could feel the warm blood drip down his side. 

Merlin’s vision blurred. He hadn’t meant to go that deep. He tried to pull enough magic together to clot the wound, but he lost his grip on it. In the distance he heard the blade fall to the ground. He gripped his side, feeling the wound drip around his fingers. Merlin didn’t know quite what to do. He fell over sideways. Vision blurring even more, he tried one last time to call out to his magic. Merlin’s eyes felt heavy. He tried to hold them open, but there was no strength left in him. Slowly he allowed the darkness to swallow him. Merlin passed out with a smile on his lips. Finally he could stop fighting.


	5. I'm Alone, by Myself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin is missing. This causes those closest to him to stop and think. They slowly notice all the things that they have been overlooking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one took me a while. There isn't much Merlin in this chapter. I figured I needed to focus on the other characters as well. More to come soon! Thank you all so much!

Gaius forgot how long he had been sitting at the table. Impatient fingers drummed on the table. Where had Merlin been? He never came home last night, and it’s bordering close to midmorning. Gaius normally wouldn’t be so nervous, but there was something in the air. Something that demanded attention. He could tell that something was wrong. Usually when he felt this way he later found out that Merlin had been up against a magical opponent and was in grave danger. Merlin’s strong, he knew that, but it didn’t help calm his stomach. 

Standing, Gaius rolled his head back, trying to loosen up his tense muscles. The sun had set and the sun had risen. A new day brings new concerns. One, however had been consistent lately. What was going on with Merlin? He would be dishonest if he thought nothing had changed. There was a shadow hanging over the young boy. Sure, the boy was remarkable at hiding it. But through the corners of his eyes, Gaius could see a shift in behavior. Gaius noticed the way Merlin would pick at his food, but never actually eat. Through cracked doors he could see eyes that were dazed. When watching from his window he could see the shoulders slack and the head get lower when Arthur couldn’t see. Gaius started noticing a few months ago, but never thought much of it. If there was something wrong Merlin knew he could always talk to Gaius. So what was Merlin going through now that he couldn’t talk about it, to Gaius specifically? Had he not been there for him through everything else he had gone through?

Maybe he should try letting him know that he is always available. Maybe he shouldn’t work the boy so hard. Goodness knows he deserves a few days off. Although, watching Merlin he could see that it wasn’t just exhaustion. There was something else mixed in there. There was a stiffness in his movements where there used to be elasticity. Gaius had been watching him closely for a while now, but is it too late? Had he not noticed these small clues before? Had Merlin just been that good at hiding things, or does he have so much that he’s hiding that he can’t hide all of it anymore? Gaius wasn’t sure, but the absence of Merlin had him pacing and worrying more so now than ever before. Where could he be? What is he up against? Can Merlin handle this threat? 

Looking out his window he could see Arthur, walking alone. Scrunching his eyebrows together, Gaius looked closer. Why isn’t Merlin with him? Arthur appeared to be looking for something. Was he looking for Merlin? Gaius noted the tense shoulders, and the quick pace that the prince maintained. Arthur looked in a couple places, but he gave up the search and walked back inside. Gaius was dazed looking out the window. Merlin must surely be doing something for Arthur, but why then is he not with Arthur? Not too much later, Gaius heard a knock at the door knocking his thoughts out of his mind. Standing up as quick as his old bones would allow him to, Gaius made his way towards the door. Gaius barely made it before the prince burst through the door. 

“Where is that useless excuse of a servant this time?” He demanded without looking at Gaius, searching the area for Merlin. “Merlin!” 

“I thought he might be with you sire, he did not come home last night.” Gaius kept his head lowered so Arthur could see that he was more concerned than he lead on.

At this, Arthur stopped looking around and regarded Gaius. Pressing his eyebrows together in confusion, Arthur noticed the concern written on his face. “Where was he heading last you heard?” He finally asked, trying to mask the concern in his own voice, straightening his back and listening closely to the man’s words.

“Well, sire, last I heard was yestermorning. He was heading to your chambers to start off the day.” Gaius recalled. He noticed how Arthur’s eyes got slightly wider at this statement. Why had the prince seemed worried by this statement? “He seemed rushed, didn’t even eat his breakfast because he was running behind schedule.”

Arthur took a deep breath. Letting it out, Arthur nodded curtly. “Right, well I’ll go search in the tavern. You know how he gets.” Arthur said this with raised assuming eyebrows. “So long, Gaius.” He placed a hand on Gaius’ shoulder, nodded, and left the room. Once his back was to Gaius, he had to mentally force himself to keep a leisure pace. Gaius hadn’t seen Merlin since yesterday morning? Arthur hadn’t seen him since just after breakfast. He had gotten mad at Merlin over something miniscule, and relieved him for the day to help Gaius specifically. 

So why hadn’t Gaius seen him? Arthur would love to believe his own words about the tavern, but truth be told, he was worried. Why though? Why was he worrying over something that was surely not a big deal? Merlin had disappeared before, and it wasn’t a big deal then. He always showed back up. Seemingly more joyful than when he had left. So why is it that this time, specifically, there sat a strange feeling in his gut was impossible to ignore?

Arthur found his pace increased. Just shy of a jog, he headed back towards his chambers to see if Merlin was simply late. Opening his door he saw nothing. No sign that Merlin had been by at all. Biting his lip, Arthur thought about another location to search. Where could he be? Why hadn’t Arthur checked up on him last night? Wait, why should he? Merlin is his servant. Arthur straightened his back slightly. A servant shouldn’t be honored with such thoughts and worry. Arthur quickly scanned the room one last time before inhaling deep, turning on his heel, and almost bump right into Gwaine. 

“Sorry, Princess.” Gwaine stated plainly, “We were starting to grow bored out there without having something to beat up on,” Arthur rolled his eyes at this, Gwaine smiled. “Thought I had better check up on your royal highness.” Gwaine said this while bowing slightly with a smirk on his lips. 

Arthur glared at him, “Yes, of course. My apologies, my useless servant failed to show up for his duties today.” At this Gwaine cocked his head a bit, a worried look appeared on his face. “I don’t suppose you saw him passed out at the tavern this time have you?” Arthur tried to make this inquiry sound careless, but his eyes were still drowning in concern. 

“No, sire.” Gwaine stated. He opened his mouth to ask Arthur something else, but Arthur interrupted.

“Well then, we must find a way to live on.” Smiling he pushed past Gwaine. 

“But sire, shouldn’t we…” Gwaine started.

Continuing into the hallway Arthur talked over his shoulder. “Come on then Gwaine, you were needing something to beat up on, remember? We’ve lost enough time already dwelling on a servant. We have better things to do with our time.” Arthur smiled towards Gwaine.

“Sire, if you truly thought that I’d knock you out with one blow.” Arthur stopped in his track and turned to glare at Gwaine. “Ah ah, cool down princess. I know you don’t actually think that.” Gwaine held his hands up in a defensive stance. “But if you have reason to worry about Merlin, than as do I. Just give me the word and I’ll start a search.”

Arthur considered this for half a second, taking a breath, Arthur looked away. “Gwaine, if I sent a search every time Merlin went missing my father would have me thrown in a cell for insanity. He’ll turn up eventually.” Placing a hand on Gwaine’s shoulder, Arthur nodded in a silent understanding.

They started their trek once more, this time in silence. Both were hiding the concern they felt. Arthur trying to ignore the heavy weight in his stomach screaming at him that something was wrong. Gwaine trying to ignore the obvious concern written on his Prince’s face. 

They weaved around the corners of the castle, Arthur was lost inside his mind. Why was he worried? Could it be because he had sensed a change in Merlin lately? He never put it all together until now, but focusing on it he realized that there had definitely been something wrong with Merlin for a long time now. When was the last time Merlin had cheerfully mocked Arthur? Sure he makes a snide comment or two, but they weren’t the same. And yes, he still hated being put to work, but no longer did he try to talk Arthur out of it. Now he just lowers his head, or rolls his eyes, and works. Arthur hadn’t realized just how much he missed the carefree behavior of his manservant. 

Rolling his eyes, Arthur would never be able to live this down if Merlin found out what he really thought. Finally they arrived at the fields and they started their daily training. Arthur was able to release some pent up aggression and stress. He was furious, but why? Because he allowed some servant to grant access to his thoughts? Or because it took him so long to notice that there was something wrong with said servant? After knocking the third knight to the ground, unconscious, Arthur decided that he had enough training. The knights all started to crowd around yet another man down. All avoiding Arthur’s eye, trying to not be chosen as the next man he went up against. 

“Right then,” Arthur said between breaths. Sweat was dripping down Arthur’s face. “I think that we have all had enough today… With the heat.” Breathing heavy, Arthur saw how his knights were looking at him. Some with concern, others with annoyance. He started to say something else, but let the thought drop from his mind. Turning his back, Arthur threw the sword he was holding into the ground. He started back towards his chambers. He really needed to be alone right now. 

Lost in his thoughts, Arthur almost didn't realize when he got to his chamber doors. He hesitated slightly, his door was cracked open. Listening closely, he could hear slight movements. Someone was in his room. Regretting throwing his sword into the ground, Arthur looked for something to arm himself with. Deciding that an ambush was the best option, Arthur cracked the door open just slightly more than it had been previously. He gazing into his room, tilting his head to see around objects in his way. He saw his sheets moving on his bed, this made him curious. What was someone doing near his bed? Opening the door a little more, he saw a hand running over the sheets, flattening them. Arthur's eyes widened, looking closer the hand continued its movements. Moving further towards the middle of the bed Arthur saw the familiar blue sleeve. Signing in relief Arthur was about to push the door open wider when something bright white caught his eye.


	6. Don't Tell Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur decides to confront Merlin. What will become of this discussion?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had trouble trying to write this chapter. I'm not too happy with it, but I figured you all have waited long enough. Please let me know what you think!

Arthur hesitated. Withdrew a few inches, and looked closer. What was that? A bandage? Was Merlin hurt? Arthur couldn’t help the feeling of his heart racing faster with every question his mind created. Had he been taken? Tortured? The thought of Merlin being hurt, and he not being able to prevent it made Arthur furious. What had happened to Merlin to worry Gaius so? Wait, why should he feel worried? Merlin was just his servant. Right? Focusing harder, Arthur noted his servant’s movements. They were strained. As if he were sore all over. But what need would Merlin have to be sore for? It wasn’t as if Merlin was getting into sword fights nightly. So what else could it be?

Following Merlin’s movements, Arthur took in Merlin’s appearance. He was ragged, of course, he was always disheveled, but this time was different. He appeared to be covered in dust. Arthur’s brows furrowed in confusion. Could he have fallen asleep on the tavern floor? Could that explain his face as well? He was used to his cheekbones projecting off his face, but it looked different now. Almost sunken in. Skin simply draped over his bones. Dark circles surround the boy’s eyes, and he couldn’t even help but to breathe through his mouth. Slow, heavy pants escaped Merlin’s mouth. Merlin started towards the dresser, opening the doors he reached up. This caused his sleeve to fall faintly exposing the harsh white that caught Arthur’s attention earlier. 

That was most definitely a bandage. Harshly done, without much care, but a bandage nevertheless. Arthur’s eyes widened when he saw bits of blood staining the white. Like crimson stars against a white sky. At seeing this, Arthur was done observing. He was ready to confront Merlin himself. Standing tall, Arthur prepared himself to enter the room. Yet, he wavered. Hands shaking faintly. What was he afraid of? Answers? Arthur pulled his hands into fists multiple times, trying to calm his nerves. Finally, with an intake of breath Arthur pushed the door open. This caused Merlin to jump back and stifle a gasp of surprise. His eyes were as wide as he could get them in his tired state. Trying to balance his weight between his unsteady legs, Merlin clasped his arms behind his back and looked at Arthur with apprehension in his stare. 

Arthur looked him up and down. Trying to come up with something to say to his servant. “Decided to work today, have you?” He decided on. Slightly ashamed at his choice of attack. 

Merlin searched his brain, opened his mouth to speak, but found his mouth was too dry to speak. Instead, he opted to just lower his head. 

This made Arthur distressed. Where had Merlin’s flair for sarcastic remarks? Arthur closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Trying to calm himself. “Care to tell me where you’ve been this whole time?” He paused, trying to give Merlin a chance to explain himself. “And why you are holding yourself so tensely?” At this Merlin’s gaze faltered. He shifted his weight to try and seem normal. “Merlin.” Arthur said quietly. “Look at me.” Merlin considered this, biting at his lips. 

“I said look at me!” Arthur relented to his anger, now yelling at his servant. Merlin started to breathe heavier, trying to keep his mouth shut. He slowly raised his gaze to meet Arthur’s. Blinking far too much, he looked into Arthur’s eyes. Behind his back, Merlin’s fingers were drumming against his wrists. Growing anxious, Merlin was begging with his eyes. Pleading for Arthur not to ask him.

“Merlin, explain yourself this instant.” Arthur said harshly. Arthur was growing restless, he wanted answers. “I do not have time for you to make up an excuse, Merlin. So…”

Merlin interrupted Arthur with a rolling of his eyes. “Really Arthur I didn’t know you cared so much.” Merlin’s smirk died as quickly as it arrived. He was trying to divert Arthur’s questions. Knowing that Arthur wasn’t falling for it, Merlin opened his mouth to speak once more. “Look, if you really want to know, I was out picking herbs for Gaius.” Arthur stepped back, stunned. Merlin ran a hand across the back of his neck continuing his story. “I didn’t pay attention to where I was stepping and fell off an embankment.” Laughing quietly, “Right into a thorn patch. I really need to stop being so clumsy, eh? Merlin gazed through his eye lashes at Arthur to see if he was believing him. As Merlin was speaking, Arthur was walking back towards his desk. Sitting down with a sigh, Arthur crossed his arms over his chest. Raising his eyebrows, daring Merlin to continue his tale. “Must’ve knocked me out. I didn’t wake till an hour ago. Came right here, hence my disheveled appearance.” Merlin gestured to his unkempt clothing. 

Arthur continued to glare at Merlin as he spoke. Misunderstanding crossed over his mind. Gaius said that he hadn’t seen Merlin since he departed for Arthur’s yestermorning. So why was Merlin saying that Gaius sent him out later that day? Who was lying? Arthur knew that answer to that question. He just didn’t want to believe it. Gaius’ look of concern was too much to be counterfeited. Looking down, Arthur considered the facts. “Do you mock my intelligence, Merlin?” Arthur spoke with barely a sound. He couldn’t make his eyes meet those of his servant’s. Merlin refused to respond, the ghost of a smile rested on his face. 

Merlin was about to respond with a retort, but Arthur looked up and met his eyes, stopping Merlin in his tracks. Merlin guiltily shut his mouth, and returned his gaze to his feet. “I spoke with Gaius earlier. He had no recollection of seeing you since the morning. He hadn’t sent you out anywhere.” Arthur unfolded his arms, leaned forward, and placed his forearms on the desk. “So I’m going to ask you once more. And this time I would like the truth.” Arthur said each word with strict intent. Looking up at Merlin, Arthur could feel water brimming at his eyes. Why was he allowing this to happen?

Why did he let Merlin do this to him? Why did it matter that Merlin was lying to him? Arthur had to set these questions aside. He took in the way Merlin looked. Shoulders were dropped, head looked like it weighed a ton, and it looked as if he were going to fall over any second. “Please, Merlin. I’m not blind. I can see that you are hurt, and do not tell me some story of falling into thorns. If that were true you’d have scratches on your face as well as the rest of your body.” Arthur said this indignantly. As Merlin lifted his head, Arthur could see his eyes too were moist. 

“Please.” Merlin said barely audible. If Arthur hadn’t been watching his mouth, he would never have known him to speak a word just then. Merlin had no idea what to do. He never wanted to be put in this position. Forced into exposing himself. If he wanted to tell Arthur about it, he wanted it to be on his terms. How was he getting out of this one? Should he tell Arthur? Admit that he might need help? But he didn’t, right? Merlin could handle himself. He knew when to ask for help. And he didn’t need help. And he didn’t need to waste Arthur’s time. He was just his servant after all. Not worth wasting the time of his future King.

Arthur scrunched his eyebrows together. Why couldn’t Merlin just talk to him? Why did he feel the need to hide something from him? How could he get Merlin to open up? All these questions were making his eyes swell even more. Arthur rubbed his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair. He had no idea what to do. He didn’t want to force Merlin to do something, but did he not deserve answers? 

“Please what, Merlin?” Arthur said, exasperated. He leaned back in his chair, tapping his heal. “Because I don’t know how to trust you anymore Merlin.” Arthur said this shaking his head. Merlin looked at him, offense written all over his face. “You disappear for days. You lie to me about trivial things. How do I know when you are telling me the truth? How can I protect you if you won’t tell me when you’re in danger?” Arthur took a second to stand and walk closer to Merlin. Arthur looked at Merlin, imploring him to open up. 

Merlin finally opened his mouth, “I’m not worth protecting, my lord. I’m just your servant. Nothing more.” This was the first time Merlin felt like he was being honest. Those were thoughts he often had alone, he isn’t entirely sure that he meant to say such things out loud. Arthur was concerned. Merlin didn’t really think that, did he? Of course he was worth protecting. Arthur raised his hands and rested them on Merlin’s shoulders, trying to look his servant in the eyes. Merlin winced slightly at the touch. At first Arthur thought it was out of disgust. Then, he noticed a hint of pain written on Merlin’s face.

Arthur lifted his hands. “What is it Merlin? Are you hurt there as well?” Merlin looked up questioningly. Merlin was confused. ‘As well’? What could Arthur possibly mean by that? How could he know that Merlin was hurt somewhere else? 

Arthur could see the strange look on Merlin’s face. Lowering his volume he spoke. “I saw the bandage on your arm, Merlin. I just saw you wince. I know pain when I see it, and I know when someone tries to hide it.” Merlin’s eyes were darting around the room, looking for an escape. Arthur placed a hand on Merlin’s cheek, stopping the darting eyes. Merlin closed his eyes and leaned into the touch slightly. 

Both men’s hearts were racing just slightly. Merlin slowly opened his eyes looking into Arthur’s. Arthur couldn’t find another word for his look other than dread. Merlin didn’t know what to do. All he wanted was to go back to his stairwell and curl up and go back to sleep. Merlin tried to swallow, but found that his mouth was dry. Arthur’s face blurred. Merlin furrowed his brows when he saw Arthur’s mouth forming word that had no sound. 

“Arthur…?” Merlin whispered as the room turned sideways. Trying to force his eyes to stay open, Merlin’s vision was clouded. Rolling his eyes into the back of his head, he allowed the darkness to drown his vision.


	7. Hit the Wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur takes Merlin to Gaius. Can he help in time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support. It means the world to me. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this chapter, I'm still not too sure how I feel about it. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think, as always.

This is normal.   
Arthur jumped forward to catch the falling servant. "Merlin!" He was crying out. Louder and louder.

"Arthur...?" Merlin had mumbled just before closing his eyes. “

Merlin!" Arthur started to shake the boy. Confused, he started to look around the room. Had someone gotten in? Were they attacked? Why was Merlin passing out on his floor? Finding no answers, Arthur focused back on the frail servant he held. For the first time he noticed just how frail he truly was. He knew Merlin was thin, but this is calling a feather light. Arthur went to grab Merlin’s hand, and felt his small fingers. They were about the same age right? Maybe people were just built differently? Looking back at Merlin's arm, he noticed a bulge where the bandages were under his shirt. He swallowed. Should he look? Merlin had been so terrified and worried that he lied to Arthur about the reasoning behind his injuries. 

Arthur began to bite at his lip, but this was important. He needed to know. For Merlin, he needed to know how to help him. Arthur didn’t have to look hard, simply flipping over the servant's arm revealed red staining on his shirt. How had Arthur not seen that? HE decided to look over the boy more. There were slight stains all over. Was Merlin tortured? Arthur pulled the boy slightly to look at his back, there weren't any stains there, maybe those were those bandaged better? Arthur was done speculating. He laid Merlin's head carefully on the ground, positioned himself into a squatting position, and carefully started to pick Merlin up. 

Arthur was thrown off though. The boy was much lighter than he was expecting. Arthur felt around the bandages that seemed to cover Merlin's body, making him look bigger than he was. There were places where Arthur could feel Merlin’s bones through the bandages. Body types aside, there was no validation for this. A healthy person might have bony features, but this was too much. While Arthur flashed through many scenarios in his head to find out what could possibly explain this, images of slaves in other lands flashed into Arthur's mind. Slave traders would starve their findings so they couldn't escape. Wound them so they wouldn't be able to try to run away. They would even play mind games to make the slaves get brainwashed into thinking they deserved or enjoyed the torture they endured. 

It made Arthur sick to think about it, even sicker to see Merlin in the same state as some of the slaves. There was just one problem with that. Merlin wasn't a slave. He was only missing a day, that’s not long enough for this. So what was going on? Arthur walked over to his bed, set on laying Merlin there and retrieving Gaius. But then it dawned on him, Merlin needed help. The faster the better. Deciding to carry Merlin to Gaius, because that was the quickest way of helping Merlin. He headed for the door. 

Making the journey to the Physician's chambers, Arthur received many looks. Some were of concern, from other servants, some were of confusion, from other knights, and some were of pride, from townspeople and servants alike. Arthur was the crowned prince. Instead of getting a guard to carry his servant, he carried him himself. This showed many things to many people. Arthur, of course, didn't notice any of the looks. He was simply set on his quest to Gaius. However, on his way he rounded a corridor and Gwen nearly stopped him dead in his tracks. She looked from Merlin to Arthur, tears forming around her eyes, questions forming around her lips. But Arthur didn't have time for that. He continued walking, with Gwen now in tow.

The next person to join was Gwaine. He too had questions, but it wasn't tears around his eyes, it was anger. Once more Arthur ignored the voices and continued walking, now with a following of two. Then, Arthur came across his father, the King. He took little hesitation to walking past him, ignoring his questions, and disrespecting his father. Was Merlin worth the repercussions? Yes. Yes he was. So on Arthur went. The King was not pleased with this response, and sent guards to follow and report back to him with their findings. When Arthur arrived at Gaius' chambers, he looked down at the friend in his arms. Appearing to be sleeping, yet he knew all too well that wasn't all the young servant was doing. He was surrounded by Gwen, Gwaine, and two guards. He smiled slightly at the sight. Here he was, the crowned prince, surrounded by people, holding his servant. 

When the door opened, Gaius was not smiling at the site. Concern flooded his features as he showed Arthur in and told him where to go. Gaius didn't speak a word, simply started looking over Merlin. Glaring up at Arthur, Gaius raised his eyebrow questioningly. Arthur explained all that had happened, but left out the bits about finding blood on his clothing, deciding this was best not heard by Gwen. Gaius looked down and raised a sleeve slightly; Arthur leaned forward anticipating the reveal. But Gaius had seen enough. Before Arthur had seen anything, Gaius shoved the sleeve back down, with a knowing and disappointed look, and put Merlin's arm back on the bed. Turning towards everyone, he made a gesture with his hands. 

"I believe it's time to leave me with my patient." He stated, lax of emotion as best he could manage. 

"Your 'patient'?" Arthur asked, turning back to meet the older man's eyes. "Gaius this is Merlin we're talking about, you have to tell us what's going on. What's wrong with him? Will he be alright? Why did he collapse? What’s with the bandages? Why is he so thin? How could-" 

Gaius impossibly raised his eyebrow higher, interrupting Arthur "Sire if you would like those answers quicker perhaps you could leave me to my work. Or maybe you'd like to sign his death certificate now?" Gaius regretted the words as soon as they escaped, but he knew he had to get Arthur out of the room, along with the others. He stood firm, unrelenting. 

Arthur looked hurt, for that Gaius felt bad, but Arthur turned his back, and departed the room. As soon as he got to the door he turned. "Please, Gaius." He said, "Send word to me immediately when you know anything.” Holding Gaius' eye for a moment, they shared a moment of complete understanding. Arthur then exited the room. 

Once the door shut, Arthur leaned heavily against it, allowing himself to feel the weight of all that had just occurred. Running a hand through his hair, he closed his eyes. He saw Merlin falling over into his arms. Pictured Gaius' reaction when he opened the door. Heard Gaius' words about Merlin's death certificate. Opening his eyes, he thought about the last statement. He couldn't possibly think Merlin is close to death could he? Arthur felt dread throughout his body, making his legs weak. Crouching down against the door, he allowed himself to rest his eyes. 

On the other side of the door, Gaius was dreading the work ahead of him. After making sure everyone was gone, he made sure to bolt the door so he couldn't be interrupted anymore. Taking a deep breath he centered himself. He knew what those markings meant. He just didn't want to have to face them. How could someone like Merlin have those markings? How could Gaius not see that the boy was hurting so much? Was he really that poor of a guardian that he never saw the signs? That’s where the questions stopped. He knew the answer, and he hated himself for it. It never saw the signs because he didn't want to. If it had been anyone else, he would have caught on long ago. But this was Merlin. Of all people, it was Merlin. When Merlin refused to eat, Gaius knew something was wrong, but in his head made an excuse for Merlin. Anytime he found more bandages missing, he should have caught on. Or, all the times he could see Merlin altering his movements due to his injury, he should have noticed. Shaking himself out of his thoughts, he took a breath and headed back towards the boy in a rush. He had to act fast; he wasn't sure just how far Merlin had gone.


	8. You Can't Erase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin wishes that he could just erase everything from the past day. But, it doesn't work that way. will he face it head first, or run away from the situation?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wondering how many more chapters I'm going to write. Maybe 2-3? Let me know if you all would like to see everything wrap up soon, or keep it going!
> 
> As always, thank you all so very much for reading and continuing to support this piece. I've grown rather fond of it:)

Arthur had gone straight back to his room, and started pacing. Trying to calm himself down as well as brainstorm what else he could be doing. Gaius made it very clear that he wanted no assistance with Merlin. How could he wait in his room though? Why can’t he be with his servant? Arthur stood still. His servant. Why was he acting so strung up over his servant? Servants are servants; they aren’t to be thought upon with so much worry, right? Arthur began pacing for a whole other reason. His thoughts remain on the same person, but the reason has changed. Why did Arthur care so much?

_Meanwhile, in Gaius’ chambers, Gaius had been working on Merlin for hours. Trying to cool the boy down, as well as clean all the wounds and sew up the larger ones. He kept his priorities in line. He knew that what Merlin needed most right now was a physician, not a guardian. So he kept his mind blank and let his hands move on force of habit. He was used to cleaning up jagged cuts and wide stab wounds… This was different though. Sets of three each set parallel to each other. Some might interact with old ones, but the sets were always the same. Some cuts were deep, but done with a blade so narrow that it wasn’t wide enough for Gaius to get into it and clean it. He knew this would hurt the boy more, but it was needed._

Arthur was still battling himself over Merlin. Merlin is not just a servant that he can admit to, yes. But is he a friend? What would his father think if he saw him right now, engaging in a confrontation of friendship over a servant? Arthur ran his fingers through his hair and let a small yell escape. He was losing his temper. How can he, the crowned prince, not understand his own emotions and actions? Clearly he has proven that Merlin is at the bare minimum a friend. But as are all his knights, would he be pacing his room like this for any of them? Had he ever? Arthur had lost many a knight, and he was never affected like this, and Merlin isn’t even dead. Dread struck him down once more. Could he loose Merlin? He couldn’t visualize the thought. He didn’t want to. What did that mean?

_Finally, Gaius looked over his work. He nodded approvingly, and stood up. Stretching out his aching bones, he walked over to his table to start cleaning up. He starting washing out the bottles and bowls the he had used. When he saw the piles of blood-stained bandages that he had removed from Merlin, he felt tears that had wanted to fall so long ago stream down his face. His heart felt like it was going to fall right out from his chest. It had been four long torturous hours of nothing but work. Not all was spent cleaning and sewing, some was also spent looking up spells to fill the boy’s stomach with water, or bread. He knew that problem needed to be addressed just as badly as the wounds did. It also took some time to mix tinctures to heal the infections that were scattered over the limbs of the young boy. Falling to his knees, Gaius wept._

Arthur ended up lying in his bed. He couldn’t just pace in his room. He needed to try to figure out his questions another way. He decided to switch roles around. Alright, he could do this. If he had seen… Lancelot carrying Gwen like he had Merlin. And had seen how often Lancelot would pick on and spend time with Gwen, what would he assume of Lancelot’s intentions towards Gwen. Arthur laughed to himself, picturing it. If Lancelot had done any of that with Gwen, he’d be left to assume that Lancelot was in love with Gwen… The laughing ended. Understanding hit Arthur’s face. He sat up in his bed. Eyes wide. Looking at him you wouldn’t be able to tell what emotion he was feeling. What did that mean? Over in the Physician’s room, reality had settled in Gaius’ heart. He had knelt on the floor crying for longer than his bones would allow. Determined, he got himself up and started to clean up the bandages with shaking hands.

“… Gaius?” Gaius nearly fell over at the sound. Gaius took a second to wipe his face before turning to face the boy. Merlin looked so confused, and also worried. Gaius watched as he looked down at himself, bare chested with new bandages. Merlin’s eyes got wide. He knows, Merlin thought. Oh man, he knows. Merlin threw his head back, and closed his eyes wishing to be anywhere else but here. He started to thrash around in his bed out of anger. 

Gaius jumped forwards, hands extended towards Merlin. “Merlin, Merlin, it’s alright. You’re okay.” He tried sounding encouraging. Finally reaching the boy, Gaius put his hands on Merlin’s. He had to still his movements, if not he ran the risk of reopening Gaius’ work. 

It dawned on Gaius that Merlin was probably in a lot of pain from the cleaning of the wounds. He let go of Merlin’s hands and made a tincture quickly. “Merlin, you have to take this, it will help you feel better.” Gaius tried to hold the boy down and put the vile to Merlin’s lips. Relenting, Merlin gave in and took the potion that Gaius had offered. It didn’t take long to feel the effects. As Merlin started to calm down a bit, his mind was running a mile a minute. He couldn’t stop thinking about what people were saying. Who saw him? Who else knows? He looked over at Gaius who was just staring at Merlin. What did he know anyway? He hadn’t said anything. Maybe he thinks it was a torture thing. Merlin deflated slightly, he knew better. Gaius was smarter than that. So then he moved on to the next part of his concern. Who else knew? Merlin couldn’t stand the thought of anyone finding anything out. It wasn’t a big deal. Just something he does. Just a quirk of his. It wasn’t like he couldn’t go a day without it. He could handle it. It wasn’t even that bad! Simply because he doesn’t like missing a day, didn’t mean he couldn’t. 

Gaius was watching Merlin thinking. He watched as Merlin focused onto him, then as he fell back into the bed. He watched the young boy’s eyes dash about the room. He knew what he was thinking, but wanted him to speak when he felt ready. So he sat and watched. Merlin started to get fidgety, cleaning out from under his nails, nervously. Then he moved up to scratch at his arms. That is when Gaius could watch no more. He leaned forward and placed a hand over Merlin’s, stopping his movements. 

Merlin’s mind went slightly blank at the touch. He looked up at Gaius, old eyes meeting young. Looking into Gaius’ eyes, Merlin saw so much. It wasn’t just concern, it was love, sorrow, and blame. Why did Gaius seem shameful? Had he thought himself responsible? He knew how much Merlin cared for him, right? Having not grown up with a father, Gaius was the closest thing he had to one. Turning his hand over to grab hold of Gaius, Merlin tried to show Gaius what he was thinking. There was a moment of complete understanding. Suddenly, Merlin felt as if the flood gates were opened. Emotions poured out Merlin’s eyes. No more was he stifling his cries in an abandoned staircase feeling like his heart was going to explode. No more was he confiding in an object, and not a person. Finally he wasn’t alone. He felt all the things he’s been holding back, or hiding. He finally let it go. And it felt amazing. Gaius, of course, quickly got up and sat with Merlin on the bed. Merlin sat up and hugged the older man. They embraced for a long time. Allowing the comfort of the other to soothe wounds that couldn’t be seen. 

All was going well, when there was a knock on the door. Both men quickly dispersed and wiped at their eyes. Gaius got up and started towards the door. He hesitated at the table, then grabbed the water on the table and walked back to Merlin. “Now, we need to talk, you know that. But I think first you need to drink this and prepare for that talk, alright?” He was firm without judgement or harshness. Merlin nodded, and looked small. But took the cup and started to sip. Once more the knocking began. Gaius finally got to the door, seeing who it was, decided to step out into the hall instead of welcoming the guest in. At this, Merlin knew exactly who it was. Arthur.


	9. Another Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gaius talks with Merlin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll tell you what. I had twice as much as this, and then I lost all of it. I'm so sorry, I promise Merlin and Arthur will be back in the next chapter. I really just wanted to get something out for you guys, and this is the only part I could recover from what I'd lost. As always please let me know what you think! I'll try to get the next chapter out sooner! :)

Gaius was gone for about five minutes. And in that five minutes Merlin started stressing about what exactly they were talking about. Was Gaius telling Arthur what had really happened? Did Arthur already know? Was Arthur telling Gaius that he couldn't deal with a hopeless servant? Merlin's eyes were still damp from his outburst with Gaius, but now they were getting worse. His heartrate was speeding up and his chest felt like it was going to explode. Just when he was about to hop out of the bed and make a run for it, the door opened. Gaius came back through and raised an eyebrow at Merlin's uncovered body. "Going somewhere?" He asked questioning.

"I... I was just... going to the bathroom." Merlin tried to say, lying back in the bed.

"I know how much your body needs the water; you aren't in the need to go quite yet. Cover back up." Gaius said in a no-joke manner. Gaius, personally, wasn't quite ready to talk with Merlin. He knew Merlin wasn't ready either. So Gaius decided to busy himself at his work table. He started cleaning up random things, moving other things around; anything to make him look busy. Merlin watched. He knew what Gaius was doing. He hadn't seen Gaius clean that table in... He’s never seen Gaius clean that table. 

Was he avoiding Merlin? Why else would Gaius busy himself with something like that? Merlin shook his head internally, closing his eyes _Stop it Merlin_ , he thought. He knew that wasn't it. Gaius was probably feeling the exact same way Merlin was. Scared. Merlin was scared of the questions; Gaius was scared of the answers. Merlin took a deep breath and decided that it was time to face the questions, finally. Merlin thought back to all the times he had wanted someone to find out, just to have someone care. Now someone knows... and Merlin hates it. What does Gaius think of him now? Worthless? Weak? Will Gaius understand? He had to stop thinking about it and just find out. 

"Gaius." Merlin's voice made Gaius freeze.

"I know." Gaius responded. He took a breath and turned to face Merlin. "I suppose we have let this go on too long, haven't we?"

Merlin looked down, thinking. He looked up with a youthful grin, "We could pretend it never it happened and leave it all up to another mistake I've made." He said quickly, with a light air. Merlin was trying to make Gaius smile. Merlin looked back and forth from Gaius to his hands, now picking at the blanket. From the blanket he looked at his fingers, then his arm, covered in bright white. His smile disappeared. He could handle it. He really could. He could lower the amount of times a day, or limit himself to once a week or something. He could handle it. Suddenly, Merlin became slightly upset. "You think I'm an idiot, don't you?" He accused Gaius. 

Gaius was thrown off by the question. His eyes were full of hurt. "Merlin, if you think that of me, I'm afraid you don't know me as I thought you did." Gaius looked at Merlin, watching his features change. Walking over to Merlin once more, Gaius started talking. "Merlin, I will never pretend to understand what you are going through, but you have to know that I..." Gaius fumbled with his words trying to find the best way to say what he was feeling. Sitting down by Merlin’s side, "I care for you as if you were my own." At these words Merlin turned away from anger and returned to guilt. Gaius really had done nothing but care for him. Gaius was the one who gave Merlin recognition after he saved the day using magic. Gaius was the one he could ask about magic with. Gaius was always there. Why hadn't Merlin seen that?

"I..." Merlin threw his head back; he hated trying to talk to other people. He was so used to holding everything in. "I know that, Gaius." He finally said. "I dunno, it's just… sometimes I talk myself out of believing it, I guess." Merlin said this barely above a whisper. 

Gaius closed his eyes at that thought. "Merlin could you promise me something?" He said this knowing it might be too much. He was right. Merlin started to close back up, promises. What do they matter? Even if Merlin kept to them, the person who made him will die and he'd be stuck alone again. 

Finally, Gaius continued. "I want you to promise me that next time you hear that voice, think of this moment." Gaius reopened his eyes to look at Merlin. Merlin looked very confused. Merlin was just about to ask why when Gaius spoke once more. "I want you to remember this right now. Because right now, I'm looking at you. Right now I am here for you. And right now I love you." Merlin pinched his eyes shut trying to prevent the tears from coming. He brought a hand up to his mouth to prevent thoughtless cries. Gaius grabbed his other hand. "Merlin, I will never stop, no matter what. Please, just remember that." Gaius leaned forward and grabbed Merlin's hands. "I would never ask you to do anything but remember that. No matter what you do, I will always love you. And I will always care for you. Can you do that for me? Just remember." Gaius had never wanted anything more than for merlin to know this. 

Merlin sniffed, and wiped his nose. Merlin opened his eyes and nodded. Words refusing to come to his mouth. "Oh, my dear boy." Gaius said as he leaned forward and embraced once more. 

"I'm sorry, Gaius. I'm so sorry." Merlin started crying once more, allowing tears to stream down his face. His words were becoming a mantra. 

"Don't apologize, you have nothing to apologize for, Merlin." Gaius said. Trying to encourage Merlin to let it all out. They sat like this for a while. Merlin finally started to calm back down. They both started to back away from the warm embrace. Merlin started wiping at his nose once more, and Gaius started dabbing his eyes. Gaius smiled at Merlin, put his hand on his shoulder and waited for Merlin to smile back. Gaius stood, walked over to the table, and brought back some towels. "Here you are, clean yourself." Gaius was smiling, he felt like he was in a good place, now. 

Merlin smiled, he felt the same. He was no longer wanting to run away from things, just wasn't up for discussing it all. He was amazing and gracious that Gaius didn't make him answer questions. Then a thought came to Merlin. "Gaius?" He said. When Gaius turned to him Merlin continued, "Arthur.” He pointed towards the door. “What..." He hadn't the words. Gaius knew what he was asking though. He walked back over to Merlin.

"Arthur knows only that you fainted in his room. I told him nothing else." Gaius could see the relief in his eyes. He hated what he had to say next. "He will have questions, though." Tension appeared in Merlin's eyes. "He noticed some blood stains, Merlin. He knows something is wrong, he just doesn't know what." Merlin started distressing. His mind started up once more, full of questions. "Merlin, I told him you wouldn't be well for a few days. But he wants to see you sooner. I didn't know what to tell him. I didn't know if you would want to see him this soon." 

Merlin's eyes darted back and forth in the room. Did he want to face Arthur? What would he think? What would he say? What would he do? Would Arthur fire him? "Merlin." Gaius said, stilling Merlin's mind. "You don't have to." 

"Yes I do, Gaius." Merlin said. "Just not today. Tell him in the morning. I think I'll be ready in the morning." Merlin had to say this now, so that he didn't change his mind. Gaius nodded once. Stood and walked over to the famous desk. Walking back he handed Merlin a vial of liquid. Merlin eyed it suspiciously. 

"It will help you rest." Gaius said. Merlin accepted the vial, and drank it down. Merlin could feel it being put to use quickly. His limbs relaxed. His eyes grew heavy. 

"Gaius," He muttered quietly, "Thank you." Then he drifted off to sleep.

Gaius waited for a little while to make sure that Merlin stayed asleep. Once he decided that Merlin was in fact asleep, he got up and left the room. He was now on his way to Arthur’s chambers.

Arthur had been pacing in his chambers. He was worried for Merlin, but the flips his stomach was making was concern for another reason. What did Merlin mean to him? What did Arthur mean to Merlin? He has proven himself more than loyal. What did that mean? What if Merlin no longer wanted to work for Arthur? What if he couldn’t? What would Arthur do? Servants can be replaced, but Merlin? No, Merlin could never be replaced. Suddenly, there was a knock at his door. 

Practically running to the door Arthur flung open the door. “Gaius!” He said, smiling. He was hoping for good news. The look on Gaius’ face was not a good sign. “What? What is it?” 

Gaius looked down. He knew that it was not hi place to say what was truly going on with Merlin, yet Arthur needed to know something. “I came to tell you, sire, that Merlin feels ready to talk tomorrow.” 

Arthur’s heart quickened at the thought. “Ha!” He let out, feeling happy. Then he noticed Gaius’ still downcast gaze. “What is it Gaius? What is going on? Why is any of this happening?” Gaius visibly flinched at the questions. Gaius knew that Arthur couldn’t handle all that Merlin was going through. After all, Gaius had seen many people with the same wounds. He has had to tell many families just what had occurred to their loved ones. He had also seen what would become of those who were not caught, or did not seek help. Gaius was old with years and experience. Arthur was neither. He was protected from such issues. How would Arthur handle the information he will eventually hear? Finally, Gaius founds words. 

“Sire, it is impossible to know what is going on behind the minds of other people, especially Merlin’s. You must wait for him.” Gaius said this and the met Arthur’s gaze. 

Arthur nodded once. “Tomorrow then?” He clarified. Gaius nodded. “Tell Merlin that I’ll arrive at noon.” Arthur was hiding all the emotions he was feeling. He could tell that Gaius has had a long day. He didn’t want to be a burden. Arthur turned away from Gaius, and returned to the privacy of his room. For the first time he was able to relax. He gets to see Merlin tomorrow. Arthur smiled as he prepared for bed. Lying down, Arthur fell asleep to the thought of seeing Merlin once more.


	10. I Caught a Chill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur talks with Merlin. Will he find out the truth?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I'm sorry in advance, this is a really long chapter. I didn't want to have to cut any of it out, though. Thank you all for being patience, I finally have my computer back!

Merlin lay awake in his bed. Just a few hours ago the vial that Gaius gave him wore off. Immediately the sorcerer couldn't sleep. His mind kept him awake with thoughts of the next day. _I'm sure Arthur's sleeping like a baby. Looking forward to yelling at me. Firing me._ Merlin thought over and over. This was going to be his last time speaking with his prince. He wasn't ready for it. But maybe he deserved it. Merlin thought back to all the times Arthur was hurt. He hadn't protected him. Wasn't good enough to protect him. He deserved to be kicked to the curb. Merlin glanced and his bandages, then over to Gaius. _I could just scratch. Risk the 'accidental' reopening._ And he would deserve it too. Rather, he rolled his head back to stare at the ceiling. _What's the point?_

Merlin laid like this until the sun rose. Eyes staring above his head. Not counting the divots in the ceiling. Not thinking of anything. Just laid there, full of dread and ready for it all to end. His ocean deep eyes seemed deeper than ever. Lazily staring as if void of all other emotions. His mouth, curving downwards as if he never leaner to smile. The pain in his stomach did not faze him. What good was hunger to a dead man? He might be breathing, but he most definitely wasn't living.

Merlin heard sheets ruffle. Barely fazing him, Merlin noted that Gaius must be awake. Minutes later he heard shuffling around him. His gaze didn't move from the ceiling. He vaguely heard talking, but he didn't respond.

Gaius started towards Merlin. He hadn't responded to anything he's said. This worried him. He took in the appearance of his ward. Did his potion not work? The boy looked like he hadn't had any sleep. His coloring was returning though, so that was good. Gaius walked over to Merlin’s side and glanced at the boy's face while he reached for his arm. Without fazing him, Gaius inspected his work he had done the night before. Everything seemed good. There were no signs of infection. Gaius breathed a sigh of relief. He looked back at Merlin. His eyes hadn't moved. They were still staring blankly at the ceiling. Gaius closed his eyes and bowed his head.

It was the first time in a while that he actually felt his age. He released Merlin's arm and went to stand. He was surprised to feel his arm being grabbed. He took a breath in and looked back at the young boy, their eyes met. Merlin blinked slowly, looking back down. Gaius squeezed his hand, and felt Merlin release him. Gaius turned back to make some broth for Merlin with tears in his eyes. It wasn't much. It wasn't much at all, but it was something. It was a sign that he just might be okay. Gaius returned shortly to Merlin's side with a bowl of broth.

Merlin could sense Gaius near him once more, and a strange smell entered his mind. The smell made him nauseous. He swallows multiple times trying to rid his mouth of the growing saliva. As Gaius was bringing a spoonful of broth to Merlin's mouth he noted the frantic movements of the boy's eyes. The constant swallowing and the tense hands gripping the sheets. "It's alright, Merlin. This will make you feel better, you need energy for today." Gaius tried to calm the boy. Merlin was still not processing what his guardian was saying. The spoon wondered closer, and he had to refrain from actively gagging. The smell was getting stronger and stronger until it was right under his nose.

Gaius looked over at the broth. He knew that Merlin needed it. But if he were to just gag everything, up there wouldn't be much of a point. He had to convince him, his mind, that he needed, wanted, to have the broth. "Merlin, you remember what is happening today?" He said thoughtfully. Merlin lifted his head from between his legs. Gaius took this as a good sign, he was listening. "You promised Arthur he could come 'round today." Merlin squeezed his eyes shut. _Oh... Right._ Merlin slowly laid himself back out onto the bed. _Arthur_.

"I could send him away..." Gaius was hoping he'd catch his bluff. To his delight, Merlin's eyes got wide and he turned his head towards Gaius. Merlin didn't know what to think. He was dreading seeing Arthur, but the thought of not seeing him at all was worse. What if that was the last straw? Firing him without seeing him? Merlin wouldn't have a chance to see him one last time... "Merlin, I can't in good conscience let him in here, when you might faint at any moment." Merlin's wide eyes were mixed with confusion. What did he mean faint? Merlin saw Gaius gaze towards the broth once more. Merlin's mouth started to water once more. "This will help. You will feel better. I will feel better." Gaius tried convincing Merlin with everything he had. Merlin contemplated. Then nodded his head.

Once more, Gaius brought the spoon towards Merlin. Merlin tried harder than ever not to think about just how much Gaius was going to make him drink. Gaius floated the spoon in front of Merlin's mouth, waiting. Merlin opened, suppressing a gag. Finally the warm liquid hit his tongue and flavor exploded into his mouth. He had to put a hand over his mouth to keep it in. He was finally able to swallow the liquid with much dispute. After a minute to make sure he could keep it down, he opened for a little more. After a couple bites, his stomach yearned for more. He was starving, and his body actually wanted the nourishment. Gaius was pleased to see Merlin accepting the broth so well. When the bowl was empty, Merlin looked expectantly for another.

"I'm sorry, Merlin. I can't give you anymore." Gaius said softly, patting Merlin's arm. Merlin looked confused. "I'm afraid you wouldn't be able to keep it down if you over did it." Gaius said, answering Merlin's unspoken questions. Merlin nodded, accepting the response. Gaius stood and started to ready his supplies for the day. He still had to do his rounds. Merlin looked around the room. Much to his surprise, he really did feel better. That little bit of broth was really making a difference. Suddenly, he heard bells chime. He looked, terrified, out the window and counted. Eleven strokes, it was eleven. He had one more hour to come up with some excuses before Arthur got there. What would he say? Should he talk? Would Arthur really even bother to show up? After all, who would be there to wake him? Merlin thought, bitterly.

As it turned out, Arthur didn't need to be woken up. As soon as light hit him, he was awake. He rolled over in his bed, and looked to the light. He thought about his duties for the day, and wondered why Merlin hadn't been there to wake him. _Oh...right_ He thought. Memories of the previous day resurfaced. He looked down where his loyal servant fell. The image still in Arthur's mind. He squeezed his eyes shut and raked his fingers through his hair. Then, he remembered. His eyes shot open. _I get to see him_. He thought excitedly. His heart started to beat slightly faster, and his stomach flipped. He placed a hand over his stomach. Why? Why was he reacting this way? Shaking his head, he chocked it up to seeing a hurt companion. _Companion? Merlin surely is categorized as more than that. Right?_ No. Merlin was Merlin. He tried to talk himself out of his confusion. Then, the bell tower rang. It was eleven. He got up quickly, practically running to his wardrobe to change.

Gaius was talking to Merlin about his rounds, knowing all too well that Merlin most likely wasn't listening. And he wasn't. But Merlin appreciated Gaius' ability to keep the air around them light. Merlin looked out the window, estimating how much time they had left before he had to face Arthur. Then, the bells rang once more. His eyes got wide and he looked to Gaius, who had stopped talking at the sound. He looked at Merlin with a reassuring nod.

Arthur heard the bell too. He practically ran out the door. Every time he passed by someone, he would walk. But anytime he was alone, he was running. When he got to the door, he couldn't breathe. He shook out his arms, trying to calm himself down. It was just Merlin. Just someone else he's visiting in these chambers. He had many men visit Gaius. This was just another one. Far back in his mind, he knew this was different, but he didn't acknowledge that. He raised his hand and knocked on the door.

Gaius looked at the door, surprised. He looked over at Merlin, who was wide eyed still. Gaius walked over and placed a hand on his shoulder, "You don't have to do this. If you feel unprepared I can send him away." Gaius said. "I'm sure he would understand." He raised his eyebrow waiting for a response.

Merlin breathed out a shaky breath. "No it's alright, Gaius." He voice felt raw. He nodded up, encouraging. "I have to do this at some point, right?" He looked up with a sideways grin, raising his eyebrows. "Might as well be now." Gaius looked uncertain, but turned towards the door as the knocking returned. As he got to the door, he opened it. He opted to pierce his lips together and do a curt nod, as opposed to speak to the young prince.

Arthur returned the nod that Gaius offered and looked towards the room, raising his eyebrows as if to ask for permission. Gaius looked back over his shoulders, then extended his arm to push the door open, exposing Merlin. Arthur walked in, trying not to stare at his servant. He opted to look over random pieces of the room. He brought a hand up to scratch the back of his neck.

When he finally made it to the bed, Arthur still avoided looking towards Merlin. Merlin felt horrible. _He can't even look at me, I disgust him that much._ He thought. Merlin began to fidget with his hands, tearing at pieces of blanket that covered him. Arthur looked down at his feet, shuffling. Gaius rolled his eyes, stepping forward.

"Sire," He said, gaining eye contact with the young prince. He gestured towards a nearby chair. "Perhaps you'd like to have a seat here." Arthur looked around for another chair, finding none. "Don't worry about me, I have to go on my rounds." This gained two terrified looks. Gaius opted to keep his gaze at Arthur, hardening his look. "I trust you'll be able to look after him while I'm away?"

Arthur swallowed, looking down once more. He nodded. "Of course, Gaius." He breathed out. Gaius raised his head, and gathered his supplies. Walking towards Merlin, he placed a hand on his shoulder, reassuringly. Merlin looked up with pleading eyes. Gaius patted him, and turned to leave. Not without giving Arthur one more look of serious intent. _Be good to my boy._ He spoke without words. Arthur understood and nodded. When the door shut, Arthur looked back to the chair. Walking towards it, he brought it over, closer to Merlin. Sitting down, he awkwardly brought his hands together and laid them on his knees.

Merlin watched his movements carefully. He was breathing hard, curious to see what was going to happen. He estimated they had just over an hour before Gaius returned. Were they just going to sit in awkward silence until then? Merlin was worried that they would. He couldn't take the quiet for much longer. He had to know what Arthur was thinking. Had to know what was going to happen. Arthur was feeling the same way. He didn't know what to say or what to do. He didn't know if he could look at him. He couldn’t stand seeing his thin body, sharp ridges, the circles under the eyes, the bandages. Arthur closed his eyes, and lowered his head. Merlin crinkled his brow.

Arthur kept his eyes closed, "Merlin?" He said barely above a whisper. It was so quiet, yet the sound surprised Merlin. Merlin opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Arthur lifted his head and for the first time, looked at his servant. "Merlin," he repeated with a little more volume, "what is going on?" He asked shaking his head. Merlin was thrown off. He expected yelling, he expected insults... he didn't expect this. Merlin was looking into Arthur's eyes and he felt chills cover his arms, stinging the fresh wounds. There was not anger in Arthur's gaze. There was... what is it? Concern? Worry? Confusion? Merlin, wasn't prepared for a soft question. He was ready to be torn apart with words of hatred.

 

Merlin bit at his lips, picking off the chapped pieces. He knew not what to say. Arthur lowered his gaze and leaned back into the chair. "You know," he started, looking back at Merlin. "I've been in this room multiple times. For various reasons." Arthur took a breath. "Look, every time I've been here to see a knight, or someone injured, even you once, I always knew why. Lancing injury, sword wound," Arthur paused, lowered his head and smiled at the memory, "poisoned." He said looking back up. Merlin was not smiling. He was looking down at his arms with guilt in his eyes. "But right now," he started talking once more, his smile gone, "I am sitting here looking at you, wrapped in bandages," Merlin self-cautiously tugged the blanket higher, "and I don't know why. How? When?" Arthur couldn’t stop the words from flowing from his mouth. He bit his bottom lip to prevent him from continuing. With every question Merlin shrunk lower and lower in the bed.

Arthur placed his elbows on his knees as he pressed his head into his hands. Pressing at his temples to release tension. He didn't know why Merlin was acting so... Not Merlin. 

Arthur looked back up at his servant, pushing his thoughts towards Merlin. He just needed to know what was going on. Merlin felt horrible, he never meant for Arthur to be concerned over him. He really did expect him to just get a new servant. "Look," Arthur started talking once more, "I know that I'm a prince, and you're a servant." Oh how these words felt so familiar, "So we can't be," Merlin lowered his eyes again, looking hurt. Arthur breathed in. He didn't believe himself. "Look, you're the closest thing I got, though." This surprised Merlin, again. "Please, I just need to know what's going on." He looked absolutely defeated. The broth in Merlin's stomach felt heavy. He moved to try to sit himself up, but gasped out in pain, softly. Arthur saw this and quickly got up to find another pillow to put behind Merlin. Finding one, he helped bring Merlin upright, placing the pillow behind Merlin, Arthur saw more of the bandages. Some with red peeking through.

As Merlin laid back the blanket fell slightly. More bandages. Merlin could feel the cool air against his skin, but he didn't care. He knew Arthur was slow, but in this moment, he knew Arthur had already seen. Why bother hiding them? Merlin kept his eyes towards Arthur though, watching to see what was going on in his mind. Arthur started to get upset. It felt like someone was squeezing his heart tight. Images of knights beating Merlin, and enemies torturing him in the woods crept up in his mind. He pinched his brows together in anger at the thoughts.

Merlin saw this, and waiting for the yelling. Here it comes. But no harsh words come. "Merlin." Arthur breathed purposefully, set on getting answers. "Say something." He pleaded.

Merlin contemplated his response. He looked down at the blanket, at the bandages. He didn't understand why Arthur was so intent on finding out. He wasn't ready for Arthur to know. He wasn't ready for Gaius to know, but that was over with. Merlin continued to bite the insides of his lips as he played with the edge of one of the bandages, Arthur watched with curiosity. Leaning forward, Arthur placed a hand over Merlin’s; chills were immediately covering Merlin again.

Arthur looked at Merlin with the most sincere look on his face, Merlin had to look away. He finally opened his mouth and found words coming from them. Arthur inhaled quickly at the sound of Merlin’s voice.

“I’m sorry.” That’s all, just those two words. Arthur wanted to hear more once he got a taste of Merlin talking. He started to rub comforting circles into Merlin’s hand, gaining a raised eyebrow from the servant. Arthur knew that he was crossing lines. A comforting punch on the arm or ruffle of the hair is one thing. But this was a level that neither man was exactly familiar with. Merlin looked down and… What was that? Was that a smile? Arthur felt his cheeks turn pink. He brought his hand back to his side as if he had been burnt. Merlin raised his eyes and looked through black lashed, adorning a smug look. If Arthur wasn’t so embarrassed, he’d be excited to see a look other than sorrow on his servant’s face.

“Gee Arthur;” He said smugly, “I didn’t know you cared so much.” He said preventing a laugh. Arthur finally let himself smile, pressing a hand to his forehead. He looked back at Merlin, glad to have a small glimmer of the Merlin he knew, _his_ Merlin. Arthur nodded.

“Well, I do.” He decided to cut his cheeky response and return to the topic at hand. Merlin’s laughter stopped as reality weighed back in.

“Look,” Merlin said; now having confidence to speak, “this,” he gestured to his bandaged arms, “was just a mistake.” He said with double meaning. “One that is most definitely not going to happen again.” He said with a different meaning than Arthur took on.

Arthur nodded. He was thinking of ways to keep Merlin talking. “Alright,” He looked up, “Merlin, if I asked you simple questions do you think you could give me simple, honest answers?” He asked hopefully. Merlin bit at his lips some more. What could be the harm in that? He decided that Arthur clearly didn’t know what self-inflicted wounds looked like, so he knew Arthur wouldn’t ask that. Finally he nodded. Arthur nodded, taking a large intake of breath. “Alright then. These,” he gestured once more to the bandages, “if I were to take them off, what kind of wound would I see?” Merlin looked at him like he didn’t get the question. Seriously, that was his question?

Merlin bit at his lips, but lowered his head to look at the arm. “Cuts.” He finally murmured. Arthur nodded. Cuts. Ok. He could go somewhere with this. At least he finally got an answer. Merlin was watching to make sure Arthur wasn’t figuring things out.

“Alright, next question.” Arthur lowered Merlin’s arm and pointed at his face. “Why..” No, he couldn’t use why, too broad, “How many people have injured you?” Arthur said, heart rate growing at the images that haunted him moments ago.

Merlin swallowed deeply, that was an easy one. “One.” Arthur closed his eyes, and leaned closer.

Barely a whisper, “Is it someone I know?” He asked. He was now burdened with images of Merlin with random people. First he saw Gaius, then Gwaine, and then his father, all tying Merlin up and abusing his skin with a knife. All while Merlin was screaming out for Arthur to help him. Arthur watched as Merlin lowered his stare, water lining the rims of his ocean eyes. That was all the answer he needed, it was someone he knew. This brought on an anger he couldn’t fathom. He stood up and turned his back to Merlin, he couldn’t stand to look and see how hurt he was because Arthur wasn’t there to protect him. He should have been there. “For how long?” He waited. Still with his back turned, Arthur waited a couple of minutes for a response. Turning back he yelled, “For how long, _Mer_ lin?”

Arthur was surprised to see Merlin curled up on his side, away from Arthur, shaking. He didn’t mean for that to happen, he just needed to know. “Merlin,” At this he saw Merlin physically flinch. Did he do that? Did he make Merlin scared? He let out a groan of aggravation. That seemed to calm him down a bit. “Merlin, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean that.” Merlin stayed in the previous position though. Arthur sat back down, feeling crushed. “Merlin, I’m sorry. Please let me explain myself.” He waited until the shaking calmed down. Arthur breathed a sigh of relief. “It makes me,” what was the word, “upset,” that was it, “to think of someone hurting you. Right. Under. My. Nose.” He accented these words. He knew better. He shouldn’t have been so blind.

Merlin kept his back turned. He’ll admit. When Arthur said his last line, Merlin was curious. Did Arthur… Care? Was that a possibility? He didn’t want to make Arthur mad. He didn’t want to hurt Arthur, he just needed to protect himself.

“It’s not your fault, you know.” Merlin said, causing Arthur to jump at the sound. “You couldn’t have stopped this.” Merlin whispered, rolling over just a bit to face Arthur. He starred at Merlin with such sadness. He had only hoped to understand. Yet, Merlin was selfishly preventing that from happening. 

“Why not?” Arthur tried.

Merlin looked down, debating. “It’s not something that goes away, Arthur.” Merlin was now shaking. He was so close to letting it all out and confessing to Arthur. It terrified him. He didn’t need the pity, didn’t want it. Arthur was trying so hard to read between the lines, understand what Merlin was walking around. How can something not go away? Right now, looking at Merlin’s shaking body, it was all he could do to stop himself from wrapping his arms around the shaking boy, protecting him. Protect him from all the dangers out there. He knew better though. He couldn’t show that kind of affection. It’s not approved of. Especially not to a servant. A male servant at that. No, Arthur would continue as he’s been doing. Pretending that he doesn’t feel that way.

Arthur hadn’t realized that Merlin had been watching him. He felt his cheeks burn slightly. He looked up, and met Merlin’s eyes. “Please, Merlin.” He began, “I know you feel you cannot talk to me, and I am sorry for that.” Merlin knew that Arthur meant these words, and his heart broke at the sound. “But could you do me something?” He looked up and raised his eyebrows. Merlin was filled with dread. _Please, not another promise._ “You say it’s not something I could prevent, that it doesn’t go away.” Merlin was getting weary at the thought of another promise. “I will not lie, I don’t understand. But, I am willing to accept that you feel that way.” Merlin looked hopeful for a moment. 

Arthur looked deeper, if possible, into Merlin’s eyes. “Please, Merlin. May you at least tell me who it is?” Merlin looked away at this. “Please, you told me it’s someone I know.” Arthur tried to convince his servant. “If you don’t I will look at everyone. Gwaine, Gaius, Elyan.” Arthur looked lost now. Merlin was looking thoughtfully down at his bandages. Considering Arthur’s words. HE didn’t want to continue hurting Arthur. But he also didn’t want to expose himself. “Merlin, I won’t be able to rest, knowing that someone I know is hurting you.” He tried once more. Merlin was biting at his lip. He knew he should put the young prince out of his misery, but at risk to himself? But maybe that was what he deserved. Arthur wouldn’t worry or pity him when he finds out who was the source of his pain. “Was it? Was it one of them?” Merlin shook his head. “What about my father?” Merlin rolled his head back on the pillows, shaking his head. “What about Gwen?”

“Arthur!” Merlin said, earning a shrug from the prince. 

“Who then, Merlin?” Then, Arthur grew tense. “Was it my father?” He asked sternly. 

Merlin was starting to feel drowned with all the questions. Surely Arthur would run out of people to suggest anyway. One day, he’ll find out. Why not today? Before Merlin realized his mouth was opening, he heard words spilling out of his mouth. Suddenly, he saw aide eyes staring into his own.

Arthur looked confused, and hurt. “What do you mean?” Arthur asked, barely above a whisper. Merlin was lost, he didn’t realize he had said what he did and was still trying to convince himself that it wasn’t just in his head. Standing up, Arthur crossed his arms, “Merlin, what did you mean that this was your doing?” Merlin was still at a loss for words when they both heard a creaking noise. As both boys looked towards the door, their conversation was stopped at the sight of Gaius.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there's that confrontation. Please let me know what you think. I'm not very happy with it. If it's not what you like/expected please tell me! I might edit some things later.


	11. I Feel Like I'm Breaking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur knows. How does he handle the information?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more of a filler chapter, but it needed to be here. I finally have the next four chapters in mind and I'm working towards an ending. Please let me know what you think!

Gaius looked between the boys, he could tell something was wrong. Merlin looked terrified, yet relieved that Gaius had chosen that time to intervene. Arthur looked upset. Gaius worried about the context of their discussion. Had Arthur pushed Merlin too hard? He decided for the best of everyone involved, that maybe Arthur should leave. Gaius looked towards Merlin and then right at Arthur as he strode into his chambers. Arthur braced himself for the harsh words. He knew what it had looked like. Him, hovering over Merlin, glaring. Merlin, scared with tears on his cheeks. Arthur lowered his head.

“I think it best that Merlin gets some rest now.” Gaius said, walking over to check on Merlin. “Don’t you?” He said regarding Arthur who just stood there unwilling to leave. 

“Just one thing more,” Arthur said, maintaining his stare at the floor. “Merlin,” he said softer, “I would like to see you return to your regular duties.” Gaius started to rebuke the statement until Arthur quickly cut him off., turning to look at the physician. “As soon as Gaius deems acceptable, of course.” Arthur held Gaius’ eye for a moment, then turned to look at Merlin once more. “I will see you later, then.” He turned, walking towards the door. Without stopping, he said one last thing, “Gaius, a word.” The disappeared behind the door. 

Gaius looked at Merlin, placing a hand on his shoulder, a quiet question on his face. Merlin looked up with frightened eyes. “I didn’t mean to say it. It just slipped out. Gaius, please I didn’t…” Merlin rambled on, tears steaming once more. Gaius patted him in understanding and walked to join Arthur outside.

Arthur didn’t waste a second, harshly whispering to Gaius before the door had time to shut. “Gaius, I would like some answers right now.” Gaius was about to say that it wasn’t his place when Arthur cut him off once more. “And don’t give that look. I’m not accepting it.” Arthur paused as Gaius closed his mouth and bowed his head in submission. Arthur breathed deeply, and straightened his posture. “Now, Merlin has given me little to go on, but I do not like where my thoughts have taken me.” Gaius raised his head and looked Arthur straight in the eyes. “Now,” Arthur said, his confidence waning. “First he said the wounds were cuts.” Arthur nodded making sure Gaius was listening. “Next, when asked how many people had done that he said one.” Arthur’s harsh voice was getting softer, threatening to break. Gaius leaned his head back slightly, now understanding Merlin’s pleas. “He said it was someone I knew, Gaius. You can imagine how many people jumped to mind.” Arthur ran his hands through his hair, trying to calm himself. “Then, to my surprise he said that it was him.” Arthur stilled his hands and started biting his lips. He pretended to try to smile, “You can imagine what I’m thinking, can’t you.” He looked to Gaius, who was now avoiding his gaze. “Gaius!” His voice finally rang out. 

“Arthur,” Gaius said, dropping all formalities. “I’m sorry that you have to learn about such things in such a way, but I can’t possibly explain it all to you now.” He said in a rush. “If you are asking me to lie,” He paused, “or to comfort you, you highly mistaken. Merlin is the one in need of comfort.” Gaius held his hands in front of him in a stance of superiority. “If you have an issue with what he has told you, or what you have found out than I have been deeply mistaken into believing what kind of person you portray yourself to be.” Gaius knew that this would cause Arthur to look up, which he did. Arthur looked hurt and confused. Gaius didn’t skip a beat. “Now, I can try to answer some questions for you, once you have calmed down. Right now, I need to go check on Merlin.” Arthur’s shoulders fell. “If, that is quite alright by you.” Gaius said lowering his head in mock submission. 

Arthur nodded, “Right, yes of course.” As Gaius turned away from Arthur, Arthur stopped him once more. “Gaius,” The tired physician simply paused, not turning to face him. “I would like to see him again, and talk with you also. Same time tomorrow?” Arthur didn’t wait for a response, as Gaius walked into his chambers, Arthur turned on his heel and went back to his room to think about everything that had just happened. 

Merlin had been biting at his fingers, wondering just what was going on behind the closed door. He knew that Arthur had figured it out, but was hoping that maybe his clot pole brain was too dim to figure it out. He had said too much, he knew it. He should have kept quiet. Should have been more careful with the blade. He shouldn’t have gotten so excited with the pain and adrenalin attached to such activities. He really should have kept it better hidden. As he was lost in his mind thinking of all the things he did wrong, the door opened. Gaius looked tired. Merlin felt a pang of guilt. Gaius was an old man, he didn’t deserve to be put through this. Gaius had made his way over to Merlin, and started inspecting the bandages. He could feel Merlin’s eyes on him as he began to work on replacing some of the stained bandages. “What is it, Merlin?” Gaius asked.

“I feel guilty.” Merlin said, clearly. “I never meant to put so much on you. I hadn’t thought.” He bit his tongue to prevent himself from saying sorry. Merlin relaxed his head back on the pillows. Gaius continued his work.

“Even if this was not my profession it would still be my job. I made a promise to your mother. The day you arrived here, I was you guardian. It’s my job to keep you safe, and I have not been doing that.” Gaius hushed Merlin’s protests, “Even if you don’t agree.” Gaius said with an end-of-discussion air. Gaius nudges Merlin to sit up, helping him as he went. Gaius started working on Merlin’s ribs.

Merlin was left staring at the door, thoughts drifted back to Gaius and Arthur outside the door talking. “What did Arthur want to talk with you about?” Merlin asked, fearing the answer. Merlin pretended not to feel Gaius’ hands falter on his back.

“He wanted clarification.” He said simply.

Merlin closed his eyes, urging himself to ask the next question. “And did he get that?” At this, Gaius’ hands stopped all together. 

“Merlin,” he spoke softly. “You must know that Arthur is a smart man.” He tried to convey encouragement in his voice. “And as much as you hide, with withdraw information, he can still put things together on his own.” Gaius started to work once more Merlin replacing bandages. “You mustn’t be worried, though. If Arthur is the kind of prince,” Gaius paused and thought about it, “the kind of person, I think he is, he will be fine with the knowledge.” Gaius said knowingly. 

Merlin drooped his head down, he wanted to cry, but he was out of tears. Too much had happened. He was drained of all emotions other than drowsy. He knew that Gaius believed what he was saying, but he couldn’t bring himself to the same conclusion Gaius had. All he could do was wait and see. Gaius finished, and pushed Merlin back onto the bed, letting his ward rest. Merlin fell asleep within minutes, exhausted from the day’s challenges. Gaius looked at him with a small smile on his lips, and continued doing his regular duties.

Arthur had retreated to his room, thinking about all the things he had learned. He was going through his mind thinking of all the times he could have helped, and had been so blind that he didn’t. He thought about the time after the dragon lord died. Merlin was clearly more upset about things than he let on. He had been fighting tears the whole time, for goodness sake. Even the poisoned cup, Merlin had been so willing. Arthur had simply thought him loyal. Loyal and dumb, but maybe he was just welcoming death. Arthur hated the way the thought felt in his mind. He shook his head trying to rid himself of the image. He next thought about a time when Merlin had been gone, he had joked about dying. Arthur thought it was in jest, what if it hadn’t been. He had thrown things at him. What kind of person was he? He threw his head down onto the table murmuring to himself. 

There was a knock at the door, causing Arthur’s head to jump up in surprise. “Enter.” He called out. He half expected to see Merlin standing behind the door. He was disappointed at the sight of Leon. 

“Sire, you said to be at training an hour ago.” Leon said with questions written on his face. “Are you alright?” Leon asked, noticing the pink rim around his prince’s eyes. “I can call the knights off, regroup tomorrow?” Leon tried, earning a glare from Arthur.

“No, I simply forgot. Let’s head out now.” Arthur decided he could really use a good training right about now. Arthur walked with determination. He wanted, no needed, to blow off some steam. He could definitely do that by beating his knights down. He needed to clear his mind before speaking ince more with Merlin tomorrow.   
***  
**  
*

It had been about a week since Merlin had fainted in Arthur’s room. Arthur had kept true to his word, stopping in to visit with Merlin, and talk with Gaius. He visits with Merlin were often light hearted, and his visits with Gaius were informative. He was learning how to recognize signs, and how to truly understand what all Merlin was going through. Although, there was a part of Arthur who felt like Gaius was still hiding something from him. Gaius was trying to explain everything for Arthur. But a main part of Merlin’s misfortunes had to do with hiding his powers. He couldn’t let Arthur know about that. He might be handling the depression alright, but there was no telling how he would handle the magic. 

They continued like this, it had become a regular thing that Arthur looked forward to. Only once he tried to talk to Merlin about something a little more serious. Trying to see just how long it had all been going on, but as Merlin started to shrink away, Arthur decided it best to keep his visits positive. Gaius agreed. There would be a time when Merlin can talk about it, but it won’t be any time soon. Arthur could respect that. 

Today was of unusual high spirits. Gaius had told both boys that he felt Merlin was ready to return to work the next day. Merlin had smiled and Arthur had laughed. He was so ready for things to slowly get back to normal. Having Merlin around will definitely help with that. Arthur departed Gaius with a smile. He felt like he was finally getting somewhere. Merlin waited for the door to shut behind Gaius as he left for his rounds. He had stopped keeping constant watch over Merlin as soon as he started lightening up. Every time he was left alone, however, he had mild panic attacks. He was not ok. Not even close.

Every encounter he had with Gaius, he smiled through so that he wouldn’t be worried. Every time Arthur came round, he’d smile and goof off so that he wouldn’t prod any more. Merlin was just trying to be the person they wanted him to be, but it was all getting to be a bit too much for him. He valued the few moments he had to himself to allow him to unwind and be himself for just those precious times all alone. Just one more day. He can hold on just one more day. 

Parted of him wanted to scream, the other part of him covered his mouth. He didn’t deserve the attention. He didn’t deserve to be protected. He could take care of himself, and he was looking forward to doing just that. Merlin had felt his heartbeat slow down, could feel the heat in his face start to cool. He wiped his face, and stared at the ceiling waiting for Gaius to return. Ten minutes later, Gaius did just that. He looked over at Merlin and smiled. Merlin took a breath, _Here we go, again._ and smiled his goofy smile and waved his hand. They would never know.


	12. I Think About Why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin gets ready for work... Finally

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words can't express how sorry I am. I am trying to finish this up by the end of the year. This is a short filler, the next chapter will be about three times longer, and much better. As always, thank you for reading, and enjoy!

Merlin lay in his bed. Eyes wide open, hands picking at the bandages that remain. Two solid weeks had gone by since... "the incident". And Merlin was ready to be on his own again. Slightly tilting his head to the side, Merlin looked out the window. The sun was just starting to peak over the kingdom. Closing his eyes, relishing the slight burn at the feeling, Merlin took a breath in. He hadn't slept all night. Every time he'd be close to sleep, anxiety would force his thoughts to keep him up. Did Arthur tell anyone? What were people going to say? He might not have been well noticed, but enough people, the knights especially, will have noticed his absence. Oh and what about Gwaine. He tried to visit once, but Merlin wouldn't turn to face him, shame and guilt weighed too heavily at the time. 

What will Arthur have planned for the day? Most likely something tedious and time consuming but not too difficult. Pity. Was Arthur going to show pity? How many questions will he have to answer from everyone? Finally Merlin snapped out of it, sat up in a huff and started getting ready. Being a little bit early wouldn't hurt, right? Merlin wiped the tiredness from his eyes, and almost tripped getting out of the bed, causing him to cry out slightly. 

Merlin fumbled through his room to find appropriate clothing for the day. In his rush to get ready, Merlin pulled his shirt over his head and let out a cry. One of the bandages had gotten stuck on his tunic and ripped off when Merlin flung it over his head. It wasn't too painful, just the surprise of it startled Merlin. In his excitement to get out of his room, he forgot the reason he had been stuck there for so long. Merlin twisted slowly to assess the damage. It wasn't too bad, a scab had been ripped half way off. Merlin stared at the bright red liquid that was starting to form where the scab had been. Reality hit him once more. 

He had been excited to start the day. Excited to be working with Arthur, out in Camelot, where he felt happiest. Right when he was almost out, he got reminded of how pathetic he was. How bad he let things get. Merlin retracted to his bed. Sitting on the edge, he started blotting at the scab with a towel. Merlin's head fell back as he groaned. He just wanted things to be back to normal. Why couldn't he have been more careful? As he held up the towel to his side, his eyes combed over the multitude of scars he had collected recently. He had never seen so many in healed form. Usually the healed scars were covered or lapped over by new injuries. He was slightly mesmerized by the different degrees of the healing process he was showing. 

Merlin started to run his free hand over the lines. some he couldn't even feel. Those were light, almost a white-gray color. Others he could feel only a little, those were darker, almost a tanned line. Then there were others that came to a peak. Longer ones, more spread out that still felt tender, those were bright pink. Then the few like the one he was currently blotting. Still bandaged due to the severity of the wounds. Merlin contemplated taking the bandages off. Looking at them closer. Then he talked himself out of it. It would have required new bandages, and he wanted to avoid that at all cost. Those would require Gaius' help. He didn't want that. So Merlin simply waiting until he could move around with ease, without worry of the . Merlin looked out the window, so much for being early. 

Quickly, but carefully, Merlin got dressed and ran out of his room. Gaius had already been awake, preparing for his day. Usually, Merlin would be assisting. Since Merlin couldn't perform his usual duties, Gaius let him do some simple tasks around the place. Creating potions, organizing, and preparing orders. But today, Merlin had his own job to get to. Merlin busied himself in the room, moving random objects around, and getting ready. Every once and a while he'd glance at the door, then find something else to do with his hands. 

Gaius had stopped what he was doing to watch the boy. "If you don't want to go today, I'm sure Arthur would understand, Merlin." Gaius said, carefully. He knew how nervous Merlin was to get back out, but he also knew that it had been long enough. 

Merlin shook his head, "No, no, no." He said, moving towards the door. "I can't stay in this room any longer." Merlin said, sounding like he was trying to convince himself the truthiness in his statement. he faltered when reaching for the door. All the thoughts and questions he had been worried about were flooding his mind. 

"Merlin," Gaius said, moving closer. "If you aren't ready..." Merlin took a deep breath, time to put on the mask again. 

Turning, to smile at Gaius, Merlin said "Oh, I'm ready!" Then he pulled open the door and rushed out. Walking down the sidewalk, he felt everyone's eyes on him. Looking him all over, trying to figure out what was wrong with him. Where had he been? Merlin looked down at the bread that he had grabbed. Considering it, he decided that image was everything. He just wanted everything to be normal again, so he'd pretend to be normal. Gaius had been hard at work over the past couple weeks rebuilding Merlin's appetite. Merlin has already started to feel hungry again. He hated it, but he knew it made others happy. So he started to take a bite as he rounded a corner a little too fast and almost knocked Gwen over. 

Gwen let out a small yelp of surprise, dropping her basket of clothing. At first, Gwen was upset about being taken away from completing her tasks so rudely, until she looked up to see the person that ran into her. "Merlin!" She squealed. Gwen stood and practically leaped into Merlin's arms. She hugged him so hard, Merlin thought that she was going to break his back. 

"Hey...Gw..ow!" Merlin pulled back and over exaggerated gasping for air. 

"Oh, I'm sorry, Merlin." Gwen said sweetly, holding her hands in front of her. "I just didn't expect.." Merlin scrunched his eyebrows together trying to figure out what Gwen was going to say. Gwen saw the confusion and decided to change topic. "It's just, when I saw Arthur carrying you.." This earned an exasperated look from Merlin. So people were definitely going to ask questions. People saw? Wait... Arthur carried him? Gwen once more bit her tongue seeing Merlin's withdrawn reaction. "I'm just glad you are feeling better!" Gwen started in for another hug. Merlin tried not to roll his eyes. Then he gave in, he didn't realize how much he missed Gwen's crazy personality. 

Finally, the moment had passed and they both pulled back. Merlin held his head a little lower, and while Gwen watched she bit at her cheek trying to figure out what to say. "Well?" Gwen asked suddenly, "Did they ever figure out what was wrong with you?" Merlin looked up, puzzled. 

Merlin let out a nervous laughter. "What are you talking about?" Merlin asked, probing for more to go on. Clearly Arthur or Gauis had told people something. "They just said that you caught a rare disease while you were fetching herbs for Gaius one day. I was curious to know if they had figured out what it was." Gwen spoke so fast that Merlin took a beat to register her words. 

They said I was ill, I guess that was pretty accurate. "Yeah," Merlin saw Gwen look excited, "no," he changed his words, he didn't know what to say. He just didn't want to say something wrong. "no, they didn't. It was crazy, sure knocked me down a couple pegs." Merlin laughed it off, hoping it would work on Gwen. 

Gwen laughed along, then poked at Merlin's stomach, "I wouldn't say it knocked you down anything! Look at you, getting some meat on your bones, finally!" Gwen continued to laugh, as Merlin covered his stomach and started to feel awkward about his image... again. 

"Right," Merlin said, stopping the conversation short. "Well I better go off and get Arthur's breakfast. You know how he gets!" As Merlin turned to leave, Gwen stopped him once more. 

"Oh, wait!" She squeaked quietly. "Um, I think that his breakfast is already taken care of." Merlin tiled his head in puzzlement. Just as he was opening his mouth to ask what she meant. "It's just," Gwen started talking with her hands again. "with you being ill, I thought I could help a bit. That's why I'm runnin' late myself." She pointed down at her basket she still hasn't picked up yet. Merlin looked confused still. "I'm sorry, I wasn't told you would be back today, so I already brought his breakfast up." Gwen said quietly.. 

"No, that great actually!" Merlin chipped up, smiling. "saves me from being late my first day back, thank you Gwen." Merlin said sounding more sincere than ever. Gwen smiled sweetly, relieved. 

"I'm pleased!" She said. Then she grabbed hold of Merlin once more, Merlin welcomed the touch. "Now you take it easy to day, alright?" Merlin's shoulders fell ever so slightly. Then he backed away from Gwen's touch, and made a face. 

"I can't promise you anything, you know Arthur! How he gets...." Merlin smiled brightly over his shoulder as her turned to leave Gwen, a litter quicker than usual. Too many thoughts were running through his head. Arthur didn't tell Gwen he was coming back to work? It's Gwen! Of all people, Merlin thought that the first person Arthur would have told was Gwen. Merlin shoved it away out of his mind and just hurried over to Arthur's room. The more he thought about it, the more he was glad that Gwen had handled Arthur's breakfast. He didn't want to have to handle dealing with the entire kitchen staff joking about where he'd been for the past month. He could handle skipping that for one more day. It didn't take long for Merlin to get to Arthur's door. He looked at the handle, took a deep breath and pushed it open.


	13. Lost it all

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How will the first day back end? Happily? Or in horribly...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I didn't get it done before the new year... But I do have a new keyboard so I should be able to pump it out now.

Arthur hadn’t been able to close his eyes. Simply the thought of having things go back to normal, even just slightly, gave him such hope. It also filled him with dread. His mind was filled with turmoils, glee, worry, and excitement. He couldn’t help playing out different scenarios in his head. What if he said the wrong thing… what if he said the right thing? Wait. What was the right thing? 

Arthur flipped to his side and gazed out the window. He requested it to stay open in hope of the light waking him before Merlin was able to. He didn’t really know why. But as he looked around the room he saw many things that had to be done. He couldn’t decide if he wanted to clean it up or let Merlin do it. Would he want to? Would that be too much of a jump? 

With a huff Arthur threw his head back as he rolled on his back. Why was he losing sleep and thought for a servant? His, servant. Merlin. It was Merlin! He knew what his father would say. Arthur groaned at the thought of his father commanding him to be rid of Merlin entirely. His heart skipped a beat at the thought of having to fire his friend. 

Sitting straight up, Arthur looked wide eyed around the room. Friend. Could he really have a friend cleaning up after him like common servants would? So why would he let Merlin? With this realization Arthur jumped out of his bed. Ran around the room and started picking up a bit. The only thing is he didn’t know what servants usually did with all this stuff. They usually have something to put it in. Where do those things come from? 

In a haste, Arthur shoved everything into his dresser cabinet. Forcing the door shut with a grunt, Arthur starting thinking of what else to do. He looked to his desk and saw the breakfast. His heart almost stopped. Did Merlin come by already and not wake him? Surely he would have heard him. Right? Then, realization chimed in. Gwen. He hadn’t told anyone Merlin was returning just in case something happened and Merlin changed his mind. He didn’t want anyone prying into Merlin’s business. He decided a surprise was better than a denied return. 

What should he do? Should he get rid of the breakfast? What if Merlin came in with another breakfast? Or, what if the kitchen told him it was already taken care of? The amazing thing was, Arthur wasn’t thinking of himself and whether or not he would be fed. He was worried about how Merlin would feel if the very first thing he had to do was already done. How would that set the day for him? Arthur finally decided to toss the food out the window and hide the plate under his bed. 

A slight chuckled could be heard. Arthur’s hair stood on end. Chills covered his arms. He turned to see faded blue eyes. A ghost of a smile hung over the face of his servant. 

Merlin had just opened the door, expecting to see Arthur passed out in his bed. Instead, he saw him tossing his food out the window and run to his bed. Beyond confused, he couldn’t help but let out a soft chuckle. What was he doing? HE saw the way Arthur’s shoulders squared up and he straightened. Merlin stopped laughing, but decided to leave a small smile behind. He was trying to come up with something clever to say. 

He settled for, “Now who’s acting strangely?” With a wiggle of his eyebrows, Merlin crossed his arms in front of him. Arthur tried to hold on to his pride. Looking at the ground he chose his words carefully. 

“I suppose we can both share that title, shall we?” Arthur walked back to his desk with a glare, signaling the end of that discussion. Avoiding Merlin’s eyes. Sitting down, Arthur stared at his desk. Thinking of how the day would go. 

Merlin could sense that Arthur didn’t know what to do. This isn’t exactly something that princes train for. He felt guilty for showing his prince the darkness he’s tried hiding from him for so long. He deals with so much already, the weight of the kingdom. He didn’t have to bear this too. Merlin lowered his gaze also. Fiddling with the edges of his sleeves. Neither boy knew how to dull the awkward reunion. Merlin decided after a couple minutes of silence to pick out Arthur’s outfit for the day. If he just jumped back into their runtime surely that’ll break the awkward spell. 

Arthur watched Merlin walk over towards his dresser. On the way, Merlin glanced around and noticed it was spotless. Who was cleaning? Arthur followed his movements, hoping that he’d avoid the cabinet. Merlin stood in front of the dresser thinking of what to get. Was he choosing the days course or was it already planned out? Merlin decided to go for something risky. 

If they were going to get back to normal, they needed to do something Merlin hated, which was most things. Hunting or training. Either way, he needed the basics as well as his armor. Merlin pulled open the drawer and started gathering supplies. Arthur leaned back in his chair and closed his eyes with relief. Only to be jolted at the sound of things falling. He stood in surprise and found Merlin on the floor covered in everything Arthur shoved in the cabinet. 

Merlin sat up with a huff and glared at Arthur. Arthur looked in horror as Merlin looked at everything that was now on top of him. They shared a look and then Merlin started laughing. 

“Oy!” Arthur fussed, trying to stop himself from laughing also. “What? How am I supposed to know what you do with it all?” Arthur explained, stifling a laugh.

Merlin slowly got up, still laughing slightly. “Well, how about you stop messing everything up and leave it to the professionals, eh?” 

Arthur couldn’t look away from his servant. Smiling, laughing. It was a great sight to see. Arthur looked over the features of the laughing servant. His skin had a little color back, and he’s definitely gained a little weight back. He doesn’t look like skin and bones anymore. The smile plastered on his face felt truly genuine, but there was something in his eyes as he stood. Something like dread. Almost as if he was worried about what the day ahead. Arthur tried to come up with something to set his mind at ease. 

Merlin looked over at Arthur who was staring at him with an intensity that made Merlin's heart flip. All of a sudden he felt like he was under a microscope. He hated being watched or analyzed. He’s too used to having to hide so many things that once people start noticing him he feels like he has to hide again. Disappear into the shadows, hide behind his prince, use lies of collecting herbs. Anything to get him away from his current situation. Merlin was thinking about using one of those excuses right now but knew he’d be analyzed a lot for a while. Until this “incident” becomes a far off memory for the young prince. 

Surprising Merlin out of his thoughts, Arthur spoke again. “Seriously Merlin,” Arthur started, placing his hands on the desk and leaning forward. As if they were sharing a secret. “It’s good to see you around here again.” Merlin looked awkwardly around him at the clothing all over the place. 

“Yeah, well.” Merlin was trying to escape the burning gaze of his prince’s blue eyes. “With a mess like this I can see why.” Merlin said with a goofy grin as he started cleaning up the mess. 

Everything felt very lighthearted, both smiled and let the other get to their work. Arthur started looking over some papers on his desk, and Merlin went to retrieve the basket that’s kept in a side closet. As he was sorting, he pulled his sleeves up his arm out of his way. Arthur had happened to be looking at Merlin when he did so. Arthur was left breathless at the sight. He had seen them before yes, but for just a second he forgot about just why Merlin had been gone so long. Angry lines, stark difference in color from his pale skin. Merlin must have sensed the gaze. Following Arthur's gaze to his arms he saw what Arthur had been looking at. Quickly he pulled his sleeves down in shame. 

Arthur looked away and put his paper down. He knew what had to be done, but didn’t know how Merlin would respond. Merlin slowly continued to sort the clothing on the floor, this time with his sleeves down. He berated himself for pulling them up in the first place. He knew better. He was also just used to having his arms exposed with Gaius all the time recently it just slipped his mind. Merlin was lost in thought that he didn’t even hear the prince get up. 

Arthur stood and walked over to the servant kneeling on the floor. “You know, Merlin, we will need to talk at some point.” Merlin stiffened, “Not right now, not even today if you don’t want.” Arthur said quickly, wanting Merlin to relax. When he didn’t see the shoulders relax he thought of a different tactic. Placing a hand on the boy’s shoulder, He started to rub small circles with his thumb. 

Merlin shut his eyes at the feeling. Trying to suppress the rising emotions. Fear at the thought of having to talk about his darkest moments, sadness at the thought of disappointing his prince, confusion at the soft touch of a warrior, and anxious about what to say in response to what Arthur was saying. 

Before Arthur got another word in, Merlin jumped up, turning to face Arthur. “Look,” Merlin said with questionable authority. “Just because you found out certain things about me doesn’t give you the right to assume you get to know everything.” Arthur stood slowly, looking at Merlin with confusion. Merlin’s eyes were red from trying to suppress the tears. Arthur held his hands up in an act of submission. 

“Merlin, I’m sorry if I -” He started to say, stepping slightly closer.

Hold his hand out to halt the prince, Merlin said “I get it. I really do.” Merlin forced his mouth shut, preventing his voice to crack. “I’ve dealt with it all on my own thus far. Just because you’ve been having lessons with Gaius about something your royal ass has never heard of before does not make you an expert.” Merlin spat with anger. 

This caught Arthur’s attention. He knew Merlin was upset, but this was getting out of hand. He was the prince after all , his servant does not get to speak to him that way. “Now Merlin,” he started. 

Merlin wasn’t having it, “Oh don’t _now Merlin_ me!” Merlin mocked. “I am sick of being treated like an egg needing protection. I’ve dealt with it from Gaius for weeks, as well as you. Now just stop it!” Merlin said walking towards the door. 

Finally Arthur got it. He was mad, yes, but he wanted things back to normal. All that time with Gaius watching him and forcing him to eat or talk probably wasn’t the best for Merlin’s mentality. Feeling caged in and bred to be someone he’s not. Arthur understood that a little too well. Arthur finally decided how he was going to play this. 

“MERLIN.” Arthur said, freezing Merlin in his place. “You don’t want to talk, fine. I get it. But you do not get to talk to me in that manner.” Merlin gulped in anticipation of being sent home. Great first day back, Merlin. But maybe with that time he could sneak off to that hall… “Now I expect you to finish what you started over here.” Merlin turned, looking at Arthur with confusion. Then looked down at Arthur's feet at the clothing scattered on the floor. “Clean this up, and fetch my breakfast.” Arthur said, lifting his eyebrows, hoping Merlin wouldn’t remember what happened to his earlier breakfast. Without lifting his head, Merlin met his gaze with a comical glare. Nope, he remembered. 

“Then prepare my horses. We’re going for a ride.” Arthur said, turning on his heel towards his desk. Merlin smiled just a bit. Glad that somehow Arthur could change the feeling in the room a bit. Turning towards the door he was stopped once more, “Oh and Merlin?” He turned and looked at Arthur with a questioning glance. “You have 10 minutes.” They shared a long gaze. With that look Merlin knew what Arthur was saying. No more visits to the hall while working anymore. 

Merlin looked ashamed slightly since his mind had already drifted to that hall. He looked back up into the harsh gaze, and nodded. “Yes, sire. Right away.” Then he scurried out the door. 

As the door shut, Arthur threw his head back on the chair and exhaled deeply. Well that couldn’t have gone much worse. And what what up with that circle thing he was doing? He’ll have to be careful or he’d start thinking he actually liked Merlin. 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Within ten minutes Merlin was able to put the clothing in the basket, fetch Arthur's second breakfast, and was putting the final touches on the horses. By the time Merlin was strapping down the second horse, Arthur had come out and was now walking towards the pair of horses. Arthur looked at Merlin with eyebrows lifted. A silent question. Merlin nodded in response. 

“Alright then,” Arthur said, pulling on his riding gloves. “Let’s see what you’ve forgotten.” Arthur did this mainly for show. Trying to make Merlin feel more comfortable and back to normal. As he walked around the horses he did notice a belt that wasn’t tightened all the way. Looking up at Merlin, he saw his worrisome gaze, watching his every move. “Merlin, instead of staring at me how about you get fill the canteens with water?” Arthur asked, trying to get Merlin to look away.

“Ah,” Merlin started, “actually I already have that-” Quickly while Merlin was looking for the canteens, Arthur tightened the strap properly and quickly walked away from the strap. “-taken care of right here!” Arthur looked over at the full canteens and raised his eyebrows. 

“Well,” Arthur said, while climbing on to the horse, “seems like some days off have straightened you up a bit. You didn’t even mess up the horses!” Merlin beamed up proudly. He always seems to forget something on the horses. Arthur was proud of himself for getting Merlin to smile like that again. Merlin climbed his way up the horse and looked at Arthur expectantly, snapping Arthur out of his thoughts. 

“Right!” He said, “Let’s go.” Commanding the horse forward, they galloped off out of town and towards the woods. Arthur made sure to go slow enough so it was easy for Merlin, but fast enough that Merlin wouldn’t catch on. Arthur called it a patrol run. Just going along the border to make sure all was well. Merlin didn’t know that a patrol had already left about two hours ago. They were simply following behind to get Merlin out of the kingdom and out and about. 

At some point, Arthur looked over his shoulder and caught a moment of pleasure stretched across Merlin’s features. Lost in the sunlight he’d been denied lately, Merlin was loving the fresh air and felt more and more guilty for yelling at Arthur earlier. He deserved it after making Merlin do so much crap over the years though, so he felt justified. If Arthur had been looking ahead of him, he would have noticed the tell tale signs of an ambush up ahead. Merlin caught his gaze, they shared a carefree smile. Then, in the distance, Merlin saw what looked like a bow. Realization crossed over Merlin’s face, “Arthur!” Just as the arrow flew through the sky. 

Arthur turned just in time to get an arrow in his shoulder, throwing him off his horse. “No!” Merlin yelled, watching the golden hair fall to the ground. In anger, Merlin yanked his head up to stare down another arrow, this time towards him. Without movement, Merlin’s eyes turned gold. The arrow stopped in mid-air, turned and flew back to the heart of its owner. Four other men all jumped out, ready to defend their ground. Merlin barely thought, instinctively protecting his prince. Forcefully, Merlin threw his hands in the direction of the men who all went flying. Most stayed down, but one started to get back up. Without looking in his direction Merlin simply lifted his hand and with a flick of his wrist the man’s head twisted disturbingly to the side, then fell the the ground with vacant eyes.

Merlin hopped off his horse and went to Arthur. Tears blurring his gaze. Why didn’t he see this coming? Now Arthur is hurt and it’s all his fault. When he reached Arthur, he was left speechless. Arthur was staring at the men scattered in front of him. Merlin gulped audibly. 

“Merlin?” Arthur said barely above a whisper.


	14. I Finally Figured Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur finds out. Merlin gives up. Gaius cries. Will this be the end of Albion?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. I cried writing this, but I'm so hope you enjoy. There is still one chapter left! Who knows what will happen... Let me know what you think.

Merlin couldn’t hear anything. Couldn’t feel his feet running through the woods, dodging trees and tripping over roots. He couldn’t process what just happened. 

_Arthur turned around just in time to get an arrow to his shoulder, throwing him off his horse. “NO!” He heard Merlin cry out. He couldn’t think of much, other than the blazing pain in his shoulder. As he looked down to assess the damage, he heard a commotion. He saw four sets of feet running in their direction. Sweat started beading on his face due to the pain he was trying to ignore. He had to help Merlin._

Merlin ran until his feet completely gave up on him. He couldn't see anything with the streams of water pouring down his face. Falling to his knees he let out a wail of agony. The pain in his chest felt like his heart was going to pound right out of his chest. Merlin felt like his entire world just ended. For all he knew, it did. Merlin couldn’t breathe, couldn’t focus, couldn’t handle what had just happened. 

_Arthur attempted to get up, but as soon as he discovered the pain was too great, he saw the men get thrown back. Terrified, Arthur grabbed for his sword, ignoring the pain. His mind tried to comprehend what was going on. Where was Merlin? Was he ok? Who was doing this? Arthur saw a man stand and try to step towards them once again. Then, as soon as he stood, his head was twisted harshly by an invisible force. He fell to the floor with terrified eyes that seemed to look right at him. Almost as a warning. Arthur started to breath heavily, then clapped his hand over his mouth._

Merlin lay on the ground, attempting to calm himself down. Trying to think of calming things. But everything just reminded him of what just happened. Oh, what had he done? This time, he thought, there was no getting out of it. All those people convincing him that one day Arthur will be ok with his true self, one day he’ll find out… He never would be ok with it. Even though what he had done was to protect his prince… His prince. He didn’t think he could call him that anymore. Surely Arthur would have him exiled if not burned. He had failed his duty. He was supposed to convince Arthur that magic is good, can be used for good purposes. Not murder. 

_Arthur tried to look around for his servant. He heard him jump off his horse, good. That meant he was ok. But what prevented him from getting hurt like the other men? ”Merlin?” Arthur said, barely above a whisper. He couldn’t seem to hear him or see him. He was so worried that he’d already messed up. He was supposed to be taking care of Merlin, make sure he healed mentally as well as physically. Now he might be missing, and a sorcerer might have him? No, he mustn't jump to conclusions. Quietly, Arthur looked around to see if he could find Merlin. He saw Merlin’s feet. He seemed to be alone._

Merlin eventually sobered up enough to think out his next move. Was he just going to lay here until Arthur and his men find him? No… He couldn’t handle the rejection right to his face. Even though he deserved a very public humiliation, he wanted to give himself control of the last thing he’ll ever do. Determination on his mind, Merlin stood, ignoring the tears that seemed never ending. Merlin started to move his feet towards the castle. He had to retrieve something from Gaius’ things. A certain liquid that can stop the heart of a horse. 

_Arthur decided to try Merlin one more time. Maybe the sorcerer froze him or something. “Merlin!” He said just a bit louder. Merlin decided to step up, maybe Arthur didn’t see anything? Finally, Arthur saw the feet begin to move. As Merlin came into view, Arthur was struck confused. Why was Merlin crying? Merlin looked at the arrow that Arthur seemed to forget about. Arthur followed his gaze, “Ah, right. Want to help me out?” He said stifling a grunt. Merlin looked confused. “Then we can talk about what just happened here.” Arthur said with authority. He wanted to get their stories clear before they returned to the castle with injuries from a simple patrol. Merlin misinterpreted. Somewhere in his mind, he thought that Arthur knew and was asking him to heal his wound, so that they could talk about what Merlin just did._

Merlin decided that Arthur would still be in search of him in the woods. So he didn’t waste any time. He marched up the stairs of the castle and straight to his wing. He ignored all the calls to him. He passed many familiar faces he didn’t care to talk to for the last time. For the first time in a long time, Merlin felt completely in control. He went to the door of his living space, sure that at this time of day, Gaius would be out delivering. His heart nearly stopped at the sight of the white haired man in the room. 

_Nodding, and taking a hesitant step forward, Merlin blinked through nervous tears. Raising a hand, he grabbed hold of the arrow and pulled. Arthur released a loud cry of pain. “What the hell are you do-” He began to yell at Merlin. You never rip an arrow out like that. You break it then push it through the back. But before Arthur could berate Merlin for his actions Merlin placed a hand novel the bleeding wound. He looked Arthur in the eyes, swallowed, and let his magic free. Arthur stared into the face that he had learned so well over the past few weeks and saw so much. There was fear, shame, and worry all mixed in. As he was about the bring his other hand up to the young boy, he caught his eyes. Such pools of intrigue. Then, the pools turned to liquid gold. Arthur’s heart stopped along with the pain in his shoulder._

Merlin’s act of strength came to a jolting stop. He hadn’t expected to run into him. He didn’t want to face him. Gaius turned in surprise. “Ah, Merlin!” He said. Merlin looked at him with confusion. “I decided to stick around today in case you decided to come back early. Good on me, eh?” Gaius said with slight worry for his assumption had been correct. Gaius looked over the boy’s features. Somehow they seemed darker. “Merlin? What’s wrong, what happened?” Merlin hated himself for what he was about to do. 

“I’m sorry Gaius,” Merlin said with tears eyes. Raising a hand he let his eyes turn colors. “I can’t Let someone take this away from me too.” Gaius’ eyes went wide as he tried to speak, tried to move and found he couldn’t do either. With his other hand Merlin summoned his magic to bring that shimmering liquid to his palm. Gaius’ eyes went even wider in realization. “If I’m to die, I want to do it myself,” Merlin said this with. A shaky voice. He hadn’t planned on seeing Gaius. Couldn’t forgive himself for what he was doing. Good thing he wouldn’t have to for much longer. 

_As Merlin’s eyes faded back to blue, a single tear escaped his eye. He continued to look at Arthur to sense his emotion. Arthur couldn't follow the events. He started replaying what all just happened. The men who attacked then got attacked… Merlin standing alone… The pain that’s gone… Those eyes… Arthur tried to scoot backwards, away from his servant. Fear and anger raged inside him. Merlin continued to look at Arthur. Then, looking down he decided to say “Still want to talk to me?” Barely above a whisper. He knew the answer. Arthur scooted back. This couldn’t be happening. There’s no way Merlin had magic. He would know._

_“Merlin…” Arthur tried to frame his words carefully, trying to get out what he wanted to say without being too harsh. “This is stupid Merlin… What are you doing?” Merlin started to weep. He couldn’t hold on any longer. He decided that it was time. Now or never… right?_

_“I was protecting you.” Merlin spat out in between gulps of air. “I defeated the ambushers.”_

_“Merlin, the person who defeated them had to have been a sorcerer. And you are no sorcerer.” Arthur said with hope that maybe this was all a big misunderstanding._

_Merlin shook his head. “It was me.” He took a deep breath. Here it goes, “I’m a sorcerer… I have magic.”_

_It was Arthur’s turn to shake his head. “No, you don’t. You can’t be, I would know.” Now Arthur was mad at himself. How could he not know. His mind raced back to all the times that they mysteriously won when all seemed lost. All those times Merlin fought by his side wearing no armor, wielding no shield. It honestly made so much sense. But he couldn’t accept it. But it was Merlin. How could he not? He looked Merlin’s features over. Sadness, fear… and a hint of relief? Arthur thought it over for a couple minutes. Then started to shake his head. “Leave me.”_

Merlin held his grip on Gaius until he was able to get to the forest. He felt the glass bottle in his hand. Now feeling slightly heavier as realization hit him that this was the last he’d see of the kingdom. Merlin turned back at his home. Feeling like an outsider. After what felt like hours, Merlin finally turned. Determined to end his torment tonight,Merlin disappeared into the night. Every time he closed his eyes he saw the hatred in Arthur’s eyes.

_Arthur hated sending Merlin away. He just couldn’t process this new information. After everything that Gaius had been teaching him, this was something he never even considered. He couldn’t look at Merlin. He hated himself for not being able to understand his emotions. He wasn’t mad that Merlin lied… it made sense. But Why was he ok with it? He should be furious. He needed to think things over without being stared down by the world’s greatest liar. However, looking into Merlin’s eyes he could tell that his servant didn’t understand. Merlin’s features seemed darker. A mask seemed to cover his emotions. “I just can’t look at you right now…” Arthur wanted to take the words back as soon as he said them. He took a beat to let things register. He started to notice he hadn’t left the spot that he’d fallen off his horse. After minutes of silence, Arthur decided to take the lead and stand, but found he couldn’t move. Merlin rose instead. A hint of yellow in his eyes._

Back at the castle, Gaius was recovering from what had just happened. He barely recognized the boy that left just moments ago. With shaking hands, he tried to get up and found he was able to. Slowly he regained feeling and movement returned to his limbs. As Gaius replayed those horrible moments in his head realization made him rush to his chemicals table. Remembering that Merlin had taken a potion. Gaius cursed as he saw the missing spot. He knew what went there, and it brought him to tears. What had happened? It was his first day back, surely things went ok. Clearly not. Gaius didn’t notice when his chamber doors were flown open. Arthur saw the old man hunched over weeping. Slowly, as to not scare the physician, Arthur walked over. He placed a soft hand on the man’s shoulder.

_Arthur’s heart couldn’t keep up with his panic. What was going on? Why was Merlin doing this? With a single tear, Merlin’s gaze was empty. Arthur wanted to scream out. Merlin refused to look at Arthur, he wanted to make this as quick as possible.Goodbye’s were never his favorite thing. With a deep breath, Merlin shakily raised his hand summoning his magic. “If I’m to go, it’s only right you know what I’ve done.” Merlin said. Starting to move his hand in a circle, Merlin started pulling all his memories. Warping them into a summarizable ball of pure knowledge, Merlin laughed softly at some of the things that he remembered. Then reality was there staring him in the face. Finally Merlin stopped moving his hand, looked at the terrified Arthur on the floor. “I’m sorry, but I understand. And even though you’re a prat… I loved being your servant. Until the day I die…” With this final line Merlin extended his arm, throwing the glowing ball toward Arthur, then turned on his heel and ran for the trees. Arthur was thrown back and blinded by a piercing white light. As all the memories he remembered were rewritten from his servants angle he couldn’t help but lose feeling of his limbs with tears in his eyes. Merlin had helped so much, sacrificed so much, and all for him. Finally Arthur passed out, overcome with the new information his head hit the ground._

Gaius jumped at the touch, hoping it was Merlin changing his mind. Disappointment settled at the face he saw, Arthur. He let out another burst of sadness. Arthur wanted to give the man some time, but knew he had to find Merlin. “Gaius,” Arthur said softly. “What has happened?” He looked around the room, “Where is Merlin?” This snapped Gaius out of his trance.

“Shouldn’t you be the one to know?” Gaius almost yelled. Anger filled inside him. “What happened today? How could you let this happen?” Arthur stepped back in surprise at the hazing he received from the man. 

Now Arthur was slightly upset, now that he had Merlin’s memories he knew that Gaius knew about his magic. He wanted to find Merlin more than anyone, but he needed to get his anger off his shoulders. “How could you let a sorcerer into your home, Gaius?” He stared with such sincerity. “Out of all the people I trusted, HOW?” Arthur said with tears in his eyes. Gaius looked down in mock humility. “And more importantly, why does it make such sense?” With this, Gaius looked back at him. “Look, I understand you’re upset, but I just had my entire world turned upside down and yet I’m ok with it.” Arthur said almost to himself. “But I need to find him, he doesn’t know that. He thinks I’m upset with him, but I’m not. I need him to know that… I need him to know that I-” Arthur couldn’t get through his thoughts. Gaius nodded, he knew how he felt. 

“I’m afraid that realization has formed too late.” Gaius said, hating his words. “Merlin came here, took a potion, and left just ten minutes ago.” Gaius said surprisingly without breaking. Arthur looked almost hopeful, ten minutes, surely the boy couldn’t have gotten very far. But at seeing the face of Gaius, he knew there was something more. He thought over Gaius’ words. A potion. What potion. “Gaius… What did he take?” Arthur asked, not wanting to know the answer. At the sight of tears rising in Gaius’ eyes once more, Arthur knew what Merlin had taken. But Gaius said it anyway. “Poison.” 

************************************************************************************************

Merlin walked and walked until he couldn’t tell where he was. Finally, he stopped. He looked around and took in the scene. Merlin thought over everything. How could he have let this happen? How could it have gotten this far? Merlin fell to his knees as sadness overcame him. Things could have been so different… if only he could have done something right. Why couldn’t he do something… anything right? MErlin con tip later his life for a long time. Long enough that the light had left the wood. Shaking, Merlin continued to cry. He wanted it all to end so badly, it would only be a kindness to do it himself. If Arthur had to, he knew it would destroy him. He wouldn’t ask Arthur to, he had to do this last thing for Arthur, and for himself. Merlin looked at the potion in his hand. So simple, to drink. To sleep. That's all this is. A sleeping potion to finally rest his aching mind. 

Merlin looked at the liquid, a deep purple that almost looked black. A suiting color. Shivering, Merlin decided he had waited long enough. He didn’t want to delay, he might change his mind. Merlin wiped his face, most tears had dried. He had run out of tears. For years he allowed himself to escape to that hall and release his emotions in secret. For years he had to hide, fight in shadows, and ignore everyone’s hatred for who he is.. Who he was. Merlin bit his lips, he never wanted this to happen. HE wanted peace throughout the lands. Maybe, maybe it was always to end like this. His sacrifice. Merlin felt such guilt, people kept flashing in his mind. People he never got to say goodbye to. Should he have written a note to them? Merlin had written many notes. Every time he finished one, though, the guilt and sadness that overcame him changed his mind. He didn’t want to hurt anyone else, that's why he chose to hurt himself. 

No. No note. Merlin lifted the poison to his face, wanting to memorize everything about it. With a gulp, Merlin took out the plug. Instantly,, the smell hit him. A bitter explosion of alarming scents made Merlin’s face scrunch. Merlin moved the offending smell away from his face. At some point, the smell changed. It became sweet, almost inviting. Merlin brought it close once more. Tilting his head, Merlin considered the poison. Then shook his head, he didn’t know why he was stalling so much. With that he closed his eyes, brought the poison to his mouth, and forced his head back. Choking down the liquid, Merlin felt heat upon his face once more. The burning liquid felt like it was ripping him apart from the inside out. Merlin’s hand started to shake uncontrollably so he brought his other hand up to force every last drop down his throat. Merlin’s vision started to fade. He knew he had picked the right poison. Gulping down the last bit, he threw the empty bottle to the ground. Merlin started breathing fast, not able to keep up with his heart. His limbs started to felt like they were floating. Merlin fought to keep his eyes open as he started to feel nothing. 

Arthur had been running, yelling for Merlin. As the sun began to set he fell to his knees. Where was he? Where did he go? He had to find Merlin. Arthur stopped and spun circles, looking around. He had no idea where he was, which way the castle was, which way Merlin went. Arthur clenched his teeth and yep out a yell of frustration that would have woken the dead. Arthur fell to his knees weeping. Slowly, the wind began to spin. “Arthur” a voice called out. Arthur stood, drew his sword and looked for the voice. “Arthur! You must hurry.” Arthur was lost in confusion. Was he going mad? 

“Who are you?” He called out. 

“We are followers of Emrys.” Arthur scrunched his eyebrows, he’s heard that name before. “We long for the kingdom he will create… With you.” Arthur looked around once more, His vision blurring due to the wind. “You must hurry, Arthur. Emrys grows week.” 

“Where? Where is he?” Arthur yelled out, surrendering to the calls. 

“Follow the wind, Arthur. Let it guide you.” The wind softened and came from the east. Arthur put his sword back and bolted. He ran until he felt the wind change again. He followed the wind, knowing that Merlin doesn’t have much time. He had to stop him from drinking the poison. Finally the wind changed once more and then left. Arthur began to sprint. This was it. He was almost there. Finally he got to a clearing. There, in the center, was Merlin. He was swaying slightly on his knees. Arthur saw the empty bottle a few feet from Merlin. Everything began to move in slow motion as Arthur ran to his servant. “MERLIN!” He screamed as Merlin began to fall. “NO!” Arthur finally reached Merlin and pulled him to his chest. MErlin was barely able to keep his eyes open. “Come on, Merlin. Come on, please. Please don’t go.” Arthur began to weep. “Please, it’s ok, I am ok with everything. PLEASE Merlin. Come on.” Arthur was begging, but he knew he could do nothing. Merlin’s breath slowed, his eyes were so bright. 

“I’m-” Merlin said without sound, but Arthur heard. “Sorry.” He finished as he finally gave up the fight letting his head roll back. Arthur screamed. “NO!” Shaking Merlin, he pulled him close and wept into the boy’s chest. “No, this can’t. It just can’t.” Arthur began begging. “I never told you. I never got to tell you.” Arthur said. Pulling back he looked into the face of his protector. Seeing him in new light, Arthur hated himself for letting this happen. “I didn’t know, so I couldn’t. Tell you. But Merlin please if I could tell you I would.” Arthur closed his eyes as he bent over the form of his servant. “Cause I would. I would tell you everyday.” Arthur shook his head, against his will he smiled. “I’d tell you every time you’d call me a prat, or a dollop-head, Merlin.”Sadness returned. “I’d tell you how much. Just how much-” Arthur’s heart let like it was going to give up. “I’d tell you..” Arthur closed his eyes finally ready to admit it to himself as well. “How I love you…” Arthur finally got out. Letting his wails of agony overcome him.


	15. What's Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin is gone. Arthur is king. One last gift for the creator of Albion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for being patient with me. I have wanted this story of mine to end. But I had a breakthrough lately and wanted to get this up asap. Please enjoy the final chapter. Make sure to read to the end!

 

_"I'd tell you… how much I love you.”_

Arthur stayed weeping over the limp body of his servant. After a couple minutes he opened his eyes and saw the offending bottle that held the dooming liquid. Reaching for it he grasped it in his hand and threw it against a tree with a yell. “This can't be it.” It just can't.

Arthur leaned closer to Merlin and studied his features. It seemed as if the entire planet had stilled. Not a sound was heard, Arthur felt no wind and no touch. He saw nothing but Merlin. His features seemed different yet familiar. Gone was the sorrow and pain. In its place was relief and peace. If Arthur hadn’t known better he would have thought that there was a slight smile one at the corner of his friend’s mouth. Arthur pulled his servant close to his body and wept. Wept for all that could have been. What might have been if only he had understood sooner, if only he had known that Merlin felt like this was his only option. Arthur wanted this all to be a dream. Wanted things to go back to the way they were. He knew it was selfish to think that way knowing how miserable Merlin was. But maybe… Maybe things didn’t have to be that way. If only he’d come back. If Merlin came back things wouldn’t be like they were.This time things would be different. Merlin wouldn’t have to hide from anyone anymore. And when he is named king, everything would be different. Sorcerers would no longer hide in shadows, they would be sought after for protection. No longer would they tip toe through the night, rather they will walk proudly with their fellow man.

Looking out at the crowd that gathered for their King’s speech, Arthur spoke those words he and been thinking that horrible night.

“And no more will man fear man. From now on we will stand united. One people. United in a common fight. The fight against anyone who means harm to this land.” Arthur stepped back and looked at the crowd that had erupted in cheers. Arthur raised a hand, silencing the crowd. Arthur’s look of hope faded into a threatful look as he addressed his people. “Lastly, anyone caught passing negative judgement, or targeting anyone with magic will be dealt with.” A silence washed over the crowd. “Not only by the court. But also by me.” The cheering grew louder as Arthur’s expression grew darker. People with magic were making colorful lights fly high in the sky over the the crowd. Many people looked up in amazement, some in fear, but most in delight. Arthur addressed his people again. “This is a new law. Enforced by Camelot, followed by all of Albion. It will be called…” Arthur swallowed and ignored the lump growing in his throat. “Merlin’s law.” Arthur stood back and allowed the people to cheer once more. Letting it all sink in. He pierced his lips to refrain from letting any emotion seep through. He had remembered saying this all before. Then it had only been a promise, a plea to a dear friend. If he’d only come back, just not be dead these things will happen. Over his shoulder, Gaius bowed his head and allowed a solid tear to fall down his face.

This was the way it was always to end. He never would have been able to do what he’d just done without his sacrifice. Without seeing what it felt to live in fear of everything and everyone. Arthur had known that this was the first thing he was going to since his father started getting ill. He started preparing the speech during sleepless nights. Through tears he practiced and recited until he knew it entirely. He had never felt more attached to anything before. He knew that it was needed, but worried for the people. How would they respond to his father’s biggest fight being torn down? This reminded him of his next topic.

“My father,” Arthur said with a solemn air in his voice. instantly the people started to quiet down a little. The lights that the sorcerers were casting dimmed at the gloomy topic. No matter how they felt towards Uther, they knew that their new king was still grieving. King Uther had passed not a week ago. “Was a wise man, but misguided. His fight against magic was not in hatred of people who held it. Rather, in one person who turned against him. He let his anger take over and as a result innocent people suffered.” A few people let out cries of support. “I too, held certain regard for those with magic. I feared what they could do against me, against my people. I had never thought about what they could do for us when given the chance. Not until…” Arthur stepped away once more. Trying to conceal his emotions. As king he can’t allow words to make him seem weak. Yet the people deserved to hear. “Not until a simple servant showed me that there was another way.”

Sorcerers who scattered the crowd all came together to form an image in the sky. The image of the greatest sorcerer to walk the earth. Arthur looked up in wonder and stared at the raven haired boy he knew so much. Arthur smiled and referred to the crowd once more. It is because of him and others like him who sacrificed themselves for the future of this kingdom. For the future of Albion!” Arthur spoke pointedly at the final words before stepping back and waving to everyone in celebration. Arthur looked around proudly at the spectacle around him. Sorcerers and non-sorcerers dancing in the square and loved ones being reunited. Music erupted and even Arthur felt happy. Until he looked back in the sky and saw Merlin’s image fading away. The last thing to fade were his eyes. Those blue oceans among the sky pained him more than anything. It just reminded him. Reminded him of who brought this all to be. And where he wasn’t. Arthur looked at his feet, then up at his knights who who smiling and cheering to the sky and each other. Leon looked to Arthur, and his smile softened as he motioned for Arthur to join them. Arthur simply tilted his head down in a polite refusal scratching his neck and excused himself from the patio overlooking the noise.

On his way inside he passed an older friend, eyes heavy from the proud tears he had shed. Arthur stopped and put a hand on the physician's shoulder. “Thank you, Gaius.” Arthur said to the man. “Thank you for your guidance these past years.” Gaius nodded.

“It’s as if the gods blessed me with two sons.” Gaius said softly. Then with a touch of seriousness he added, “As it is, I should be the one thanking you. It was quite something you just did. Freeing so many just like that.” Gaius paused and thought. “And of course.. The name of the law...” Gaius couldn’t say the true name of it. “I know I can’t say-”

Arthur interrupted, “I know Gaius.” with a final pat on Gaius’ shoulders, Arthur repeated. “I know…” Then turned to make his leave. Arthur wondered the halls that were a stark difference from the noise outside. So quiet that the sound of Arthur steps echoed through the halls.

While everyone was out celebrating, Leon watched his King leave. He made eyes at the knights closest to Arthur and they all started to follow. They knew that this was a hard time and should be there for their friend and leader. However, when they all got to the hall Arthur was nowhere to be seen. They all shared worrisome looks. They all knew how moody Arthur could be, especially when it involved someone close. Usually, though, he was the angry type. If he was worried about something, he’d take it out on a knight. If he was hurting he’d train the knights without stop for hours. However lately… Lately he hasn’t been working the knights too hard. He’s actually been giving them days off. He’s stopped joking around with his friends, started distancing himself. No matter how much they all tried to lift his spirits… Arthur maintained his distance. Every once in awhile they would catch a glimpse of the old Arthur, but then he would fade away. They had all seen this before on someone else, but they were too scared to bring it up.

Meanwhile, Arthur was still walking around. He had no idea where he was going, he just let his feet guide him through the maze of halls. At some point he noticed that he wasn’t entirely sure where he was. It was some forgotten area of the castle. His eyes must have been playing tricks on him for he started to see an outline of someone familiar. Arthur scrunched his brows together as his vision started to blur as he fought back tears. The outline became the scrawny boy he knew so well once. But he knew that he wasn’t really here, and his heart fell heavy.

Arthur turned to walk away, but a voice stopped him. “Arthur!” Arthur stood still and squeezed his eyes shut. That voice… He had almost forgotten how his voice sounded. But Arthur knew it couldn’t have been him. Not really. Arthur couldn’t bring himself to turn around and see his friend’s image being used to hurt him. He found it harder to keep walking. A small part of him wishing… maybe just maybe…

Arthur shifted his weight from foot to foot, tilting his head back slightly to prevent his tears from falling. “I… I know you aren’t him.“ Arthur sniffed, this was harder than he had thought. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder. Arthur broke slightly at the touch. It was so gently, but felt so real. Arthur wanted it to be him so much.

“But it is me.” that old familiar voice came up once again. “Don’t say you’ve forgotten me already.” The voice said with a hint of humor.

Arthur smiled despite the situation and leaned in to the hand on his shoulder. “No, as much as I wish it so. It can’t be.” Arthur’s smile faded as he reminded himself that someone was trying to hurt him. By using _him_  today of all days. “And whoever you are you should be ashamed of yourself.” Arthur stood taller and softly shrugged the hand off his shoulder. He felt empty without that feeling, but he knew it couldn’t have been him.

“I know what you’re thinking. I’m a major clotpole for....”

“Don’t you dare.” Arthur said sternly finally turning and facing the face of his friend. Arthur took a shuddered breath in. The hurt in his eyes was spot on though… “Don’t you dare use his words. You have no right!” Arthur yelled stepping forward, forcing the pretender to step back in fear. Arthur had to admit that the other person played a very convincing part.

Looking down at the ground, Merlin spoke softer. “Sire, I know how it looks. I will leave if you’d like me to,”

Arthur couldn’t help himself so he blurted, “Wait!” Merlin quickly looked up with hope in his eyes, but quickly looked back down. Arthur wiped his brow and started to laugh. “You… you really did nail him, you know.” Merlin looked up in wonder. “Look, I’m not feeling very well at the moment so I would appreciate it if you would wear your own face and tell me what you want.” Arthur said quickly and defeatedly.

Merlin swallowed and looked around and started to smile. “Um... “ he hesitated. “That is kind of difficult to do, my lord.” He stated as he began to rub his hand over his arm. Awkwardly, he started to walk around the small corridor they were in. “You know… I actually kind of missed this. You not believing me.”

“Excuse me, I always listened to you.” Arthur said in defense.

“Oh is that so, sire?” Merlin said with a turn of his head. What about all those times I said no Arthur, we shouldn’t be doing this, and what did you do? Went and did it.”

Arthur laughed, “Well we always ended up fine.”

“Because of me!” Merlin exclaimed! “Or had you forgotten that part? I’ve saved your royal ass more times than you know.” Merlin said stepping closer. He met Arthur’s eye and they shared a laugh. For a moment Arthur let himself believe the false Merlin. Arthur’s smile faded as he fought the urge to hug his friend. He was so close he could feel his warmth.

“Why are you doing this?” Arthur whispered. “Why now?”

Merlin looked down at his feet and swallowed. “I think…” Merlin looked around feeling unsure himself. “I fulfilled my destiny when you fulfilled yours.” Arthur looked up, his heart was beating so hard. “I guess the people of the Old Religion wanted to reward you…” Arthur pierced his lips trying to force himself not to react. Merlin looked at Arthur expectantly. “So… Arthur?” He tried to get a response.

Arthur turned around and wiped his face. This couldn’t be happening. This has to be a trick. But what if it isn’t? What if he was finally getting something.

Merlin looked around, wondering what to say. “You know I’ve been watching… right?”

Arthur turned fast and looked at Merlin. Tears building once more. “I swear to you if you are lying… or pretending… or what have you…” Arthur pulled his sword out “I will make you meet the person you’re pretending to be.”

Merlin held his hands up and got down on his knees in a defeated moment. His eyes too started to get wet. “Arthur I swear I’ve been here this whole time, by your side. I’ve seen your best times and I’ve seen your worst.” Arthur's arm wavered so he tightened his grasp on his sword. Tears now openly pouring. Merlin bit at his lips thinking of what he could say to convince him. He thought back through all the things. “Arthur…” Merlin started again “I remember that day. I watched you when you found me. You didn’t know, how could you.” Merlin started wondering where he was going with this. “I had been… gone… for long enough I guess.” Merlin scratched his head thinking back.

“I saw you run up to me but then you ran passed me.” Merlin’s lips started to quiver with emotion. “You ran passed me because you had been running to my body.” Merlin looked up with wet eyes to be met with brilliant blue pools of water. “Arthur I’m so sorry. I had been thinking of only myself I hadn’t thought about you… ”Merlin said shaking, “I didn’t know then but I know noW.” Merlin said firmly. “I heard you.” He whispered finally looking up to meet Arthur's eye.

Arthur squeezed the sword as his stomach dropped. “Heard…” Arthur’s voice cracked. “Heard what?” Arthur asked stronger.

Merlin shrugged and smiled slightly. “Well a lot I guess,” Merlin watched Arthur's expression closely. “I heard you beg, heard you make promises. But there was one thing that really stood out.” As Merlin spoke he slowly stood up.

Arthur shook his head. This couldn't be possible. Merlin looked at the sword that now hung so delicately. One soft drift would send it to the floor. Merlin smirked as the thought formed in his head, with a flick of his wrist the sword clattered to the floor. Arthur barely noticed. He allowed his arm to fall to his side as Merlin stood up slowly. His mind was racing trying to come up with anything that could prove this to be fake. But his heart wanted it so badly.

Arthur felt like he could fall over at any moment. “Please,” he started, refusing to look at the possible Merlin. “If you're going to disappear… or if you're not him, please. I'm begging you. Don't do this to me.” Arthur looked up at Merlin, blinking through tears. “I can't take it..”

Merlin took a shaky breath in. “Why didn't you tell me sooner? How was I supposed to know?” Merlin started to choke up.

Arthur wanted to reach out and comfort his friend so badly. He was so close. “Know what?” Arthur said, hoping that this would all make sense soon.

Merlin looked up and smiled through his tears. “That you loved me.” He said barely above a whisper.

At that moment Arthur lost all pretense of being strong or disbelief and gave into his desire. In two steps he grabbed Merlin and pulled him into a passionate kiss. He had his Merlin back. Merlin was surprised by the sudden show of intimacy. He stared wide eyed at Arthur through the kiss, then slowly melted into it. Wrapping his arms around Arthur they fought for dominance. Leaning back and taking a breath Arthur looked at Merlin who took an extra second to open his drowsy eyes.

Arthur took the time to truly study his face. Merlin scrunched his brow wondering why Arthur was looking at him like that. Then, Arthur stumbled back a little, letting go of Merlin. Instantly longing to feel him once more. Arthur worked up the will to speak. “This… it really is you. Isn't it?”

Merlin bit his lip and thought of a response. Smiling, he peered through black lashes, “Well, I'd hope you wouldn't kiss anyone else like that…” Arthur let himself laugh at the attempted humor. Merlin paused a beat then spoke again, “Arthur, its me. It really is. I'm back.” He said smiling.

“Ha-ha!!” Arthur yelled and stepped back to Merlin hugging him. They stood that way for a minute. Neither wanting to let the other go. “I've missed you so much.” Arthur whispered.

Merlin nestled slightly closer to Arthur. “I know, and I'm sorry.” Merlin was the first to pull back, only slightly enough to look at Arthur. “As I said, I've been here with you. I've seen your pain and I am so sorry I ever made you feel like that. That was never my intention.” Mer said practically begging Arthur to believe him.

Arthur pulled him back into an embrace and the thin man cried once more. “Shh Merlin.” He said trying to calm him. “Things are going to be different now.” He said. As they separated Arthur wiped the tears from Merlin's face. “I promise you. Things will be different.” He said firmly.

Merlin looked into Arthur's eyes and felt such warmth like he's never felt before. He knew this time would be different, would be better. Merlin looked from Arthur's eyes to his lips. So many times he had dreamt of this moment. Merlin ran his hands over Arthur's shoulders and pushed him against the wall.

For a split second Arthur thought it truly was someone messing with him. Then, Merlin shook his head and smiled. “Oh shut up you prat.” Stepping towards him Merlin pressed his lips against Arthur's and pinned him against the wall. Arthur had half a mind to turn the tables, after all he was the king. But only half…

Arthur relented at first, not wanting to give up power, but Merlin, of course, was persistent. Finally Arthur gave in and relented his control to Merlin. Taking advantage of this, Merlin slowly pulled Arthur's arms up over his head and pulled back. They both had blackened eyes full of lust. Eyes half peered at each other while they caught their breath.

“Do you trust me, sire?” Merlin asked, raising an eyebrow.

Arthur pretended to have to think about it. Then with a soft response, “With my life, Merlin.”

Merlin grinned, “You'll like this then.” He spoke as his eyes turned gold.

Arthur's eyes went wide as Merlin started to kiss his neck.

“ _Mer_ lin!” Arthur said as Merlin giggled. This truly was going to be different…

 


End file.
